The Celebrity Hazmat: counting down the worst hazards to our favorite celebrities. Brought to you by Celebrity Slop.Here is this weeks 5 biggest hazards facing celebrities:
Number 5: Boy Band. Remember the Backstreet Boys? They entranced me back in middle school with their overly matching attire but today they are grown adults and releasing a new album! Well 4 members of the original “band”. You heard it here. The Backstreet Boys new album drops October 30 but their first single, “Inconsolable” has already been injected into radio playlists. Folks I have a real problem with this. I don’t care if they are a boy band or that they missing a member, what I am referring to is the ability of celebrities to make an album every time their extensive fortunes run out. It’s called a budget people; it’s what all the hot young people are doing these days. The backstreet boys don’t want to make a new album because “it’s about the music”. Hell no! They need some quick cash and what a better way to do that than lure young girls to their album with their sultry voices promising happiness, rainbows, and candy. Just remember the equation: sultry voice + candy + luring = money for boy bands. Speaking of predators…
Hazard Number 4: Boy Band Hybrids: VH1’s new reality series, “Mission: Man Band” will reunite 4 members from various 90’s boy bands so that they may create “music”. The 4 boy band alums are the non-Justin, non-recently outed guy from N*Sync Chris Kirkpatrick, some non-Nick Lachey guy named Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees, Rich Cronin from something called LFO, and Bryan Adams…from the group Color Me Badd. Together the group will live in a house for one month, create music, create a stage show, work together and have their lives taped. Hold on folks, HAHA! Are you serious? Am I seriously reading this? Oh my Gosh! Wow! Holy Cheezit! It’s almost like that crappy Diddy show Making the Band for has-beens. That’s so cute. I’m putting this on my TIVO so I can watch all the drama of who is going to emerge as the cocky Justin/Nick type character who totally steals the spotlight from everyone. I wonder which one is going to have a drinking problem that requires a dramatic intervention during sweeps.I’m very ashamed.
Hazard number 3: The British. Some British pop tart/Avril Lavine character named Lily Allen was stripped of her
US work visa following her arrest for assaulting a photographer in Britain last month. Subsequently her trip to the MTV Video Music nominations and a video shooting with Kanye West was delayed. Long term, her US tour is in jeopardy. Folks this is the most exciting strike against the British since we kicked some ass in the War of 1812. Take that Britain. We don’t want your delinquent pop stars. Just last week Britney threw that bottle at a photographer, we kind of have our hands full with media haters. In a related observation, did customs do something right? Did we actually stop someone with a criminal record from coming in our country? Wahoo! Yeah! Break out the champagne! Yell it with me…
U.S.A., U.S.A.! Amazing!
Hazard number 2: Most Earth Shattering Guilt Trip. MTV announced this week the nominations for the 2007 Video Music Awards. Perhaps the biggest error was the nominees in the “Most Earth Shattering Collaboration” category. The category had what you would expect: Akon, Gwen Stefani, that chick would gyrated face first down some steps, some song called SexyBack. All viable contenders and than you reach the last nomination or what I like to call Hurricane Guilt Trip 2007. The Song: The Saints are Coming. The Artists: U2 featuring Green Day. The Occasion for the Song: A relief effort for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. As MTV posts on its own website, the song “brings major issues to light” and “speak to everyone’s grief”. Oh Cheezit! What monster could not vote for this song. Sure, I’ve never heard it before but it was Hurricane relief. How can the other songs possibly compete? “Smack That” is about getting some ass but bringing major issues to light. Perhaps I just represent that chicken-chick part of America who would feel guilty if the hurricane song lost, or perhaps I am a sweet innocent angel who believes a song for hurricane relief needs honoring. Smack That.
And the Biggest hazard to celebrities this week: Australia! The Australian government is immortalizing the cover of New Idea magazine with a postage stamp. That might not sound so bad, the catch, the cover features Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It’s no surprise that I hate Angelina Jolie both for a lack of acting talent, and her ability to annoy everyone in a 50 foot radius, but I object to mostly any type of celebrity becoming a stamp. Stamps are for commemorating important people or events to which the Pitt family is neither. This goes to show that Australia lacks any person real persons of interest, notable events, or culture. How about the Sydney Opera House that was almost a world wonder. That sounds like a good stamp or how about that rat from The Rescues Down Under on a stamp. The things your commemorate should be a part of your culture, a time capsule that captures the place your country is. Do you really want Angelina Jolie defining your culture. Bring in that rat!
This has been NonProductive’s Celebrity Hazmat…You Know You <3 Them