Celebrity Hazmat — August 1, 2007

The Celebrity Hazmat:  counting down the worst hazards to our favorite celebrities.  Brought to you by Celebrity Slop.

Here is this weeks 5 biggest hazards facing celebrities:

Number 5:  Homeless Idol.  Monday, July 30 marked the begin of idol fever as 12,000 of people lined up in San Diego for the 7th Season auditions for American idol.  While many were in jubilation over their chances at stardom, others were confronted with a grizzly truth; San Diego was dangerously overbooked this week.  A Comic-Con Entertainment Expo drawing 120,000 people, a sandcastle competition, and an international youth soccer competition forced idol hopefuls to use military bases for beds.  Folks, this is exciting news for the army.  These desperate people are willing to sleep outside in a line, go without sleep for days to practice, and stand up in front of judges that greatly resemble a firing squad.  Additionally, they are willing to walk calmly into a military base.   My verdict:  Idol auditions are a great way to recruit for the military.  War on Terror crisis averted.

Hazard Bite Number 4: Whoopi:  It was announced this week that comedian Whoopi Goldberg will be taking over Rosie’s deserted chair on The View.  When this announcement was made Whoopi ran down the aisles in the studio slapping hands with audience members.  Oh Hooray for Whoopi.  There is no justice in the world people.  Do you Whoopi has an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, and a Tony Award.  She doesn’t need anything else.  What about all the other has-beens out there who don’t have such awards.  What about Jenny Jones?  What ever happened to her?  Wouldn’t she have been a great addition to the View?  Let the little guy win every once in a while.  Take a hint from the Price in Right…oh wait, Drew Carey isn’t really a little guy…oh never mind; you win.

Hazard number 3:  Hitting the Bottle.  Yesterday, Britney Spears threw a baby bottle at 2 members of the paparazzi yesterday after they were walking away from the scene where they were pushed away and attacked by Spears bodyguard.  Spears was then heard yelling “I’m going to kill you” at the men.  Ok Britney, we get it, you’re crazy.  You threw your own child’s bottle at another person.  For one thing, your child is now going to starve because ebay probably has that bottle and is holding it ransom for $100,000.  For another thing, even I have seen enough Reno 911! To know that when you are doing something potentially illegal, you should keep your mouth shut…even the cops give you that freebie when they are reading those Maranda Rights or those marinara rights as the folks around your neck of the woods call it.

Hazard number 2:  Huge Egos.  Mandy Moore recently released her new album Wild Hope which features a number of songs on her failed relationship with Zach Braff.  She goes on to say the quote “poor guy” will probably hear all about the record.  Poor Guy…Mandy, Zach is hardly a poor guy.  In the past year, he has continued to act, direct, and sing in the hit series, Scrubs and is currently working on his newest project Open Hearts, which, like Garden State, is filling the position of every person on the crew.  On the other hand Mandy Moore, you have acted in 2 movies, Because I Said So and License to Wed, both of which disappeared faster than Lindsey Lohan’s clean and sober ribbon.  Sounds like Zach Braff will have no problem with hearing about the record, if anyone cares enough to mention it to him at all. 

And the Biggest hazard to celebrities this week:  NonProductive Parodies.  This week, the E! Network announced that the series finale of The Simple Life will air on Sunday.  The Simple Life has been throwing Paris and Nicole into everyday situations since 2003.  Why would E! end such a successful series?  Is it because of Paris’s recent trip to jail?  Nicole’s recent trip to jail?  Nicole’s baby news?  Nope, none of these.  It is actually because Lindsey and I replaced Paris and Nicole in sketch on NonProductive a couple of weeks back.  It was so chock full of hilarity that The Simple Life could no longer be taken seriously be anyone.  NonProductive strikes again. 

This has been NonProductive’s Celebrity Hazmat…striking back at reality since 2007-ish!