NonPro News — July 11, 2007

Good Evening and welcome to NonPro News. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.

Only flightless birds and properly cared for electrical wires can prevent forest fires. On Monday, a bird, which caught fire after it flew into exposed elements from an electrical wire, may have started a two-acre wildfire.

Pitkin County Deputy Joe Bauer said, “the bird got zapped when it hit one of those things they call a terminator. Then it fell, probably on fire, right at the base of one of those poles.”

Brilliantly put. Sounds like they know exactly what happened. The only proof is a chard bird on the ground. Great.

In other news, in Germany, police thought they too would have to solve the mystery of a dead body. This time, though, the body was a man’s.

Neighbors were complaining about a nasty smell seeping into the stairwell of an apartment building and alerted police. The shutters on the apartment had been closed for more than a week and the mailbox was filled with uncollected mail.

However, upon entering the apartment, police found nothing but a sleeping man with smelly feet and a pile of dirty clothes.

Sir, you know you have a problem when you stink so badly that your neighbors think your dead and decaying. Bathe yourself, for everyone’s sake.

And finally, feminists in Pamplona Spain are advocating for the well being of cows. Either that, or they are trying to change the rules of a long tradition so they too can be accommodated.

Women are trying to get their own version of the bull-running festival. Theirs would involve cows. Their reasoning, “cows want to run”.

Their manifesto reads “Cows, as well as bulls, have four legs and a natural instinct to run. An encierro for cows would put Pamplona at the vanguard of traditional fiestas with equality for men and women.”

Men and women? I thought they were advocating for cows. Or are they using the well being of the cows to parallel their own equality. Are they comparing men and women to bulls and cows? So women are cows.


Ok, I officially do not approve.

And now, a special report. In NonProductive’s never-ending search for truth, we must sometimes go out into the wider world. We now bring you Jesse Baruffi, wandering reporter. Jesse?

Thanks Jesse, and good luck with Harmione, and the well story, I guess. And that concludes this week’s NonPro News. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.

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