The Celebrity Hazmat: counting down the worst hazards to our favorite celebrities. Brought to you by NonProductive and Celebrity Slop exclusively on Click Radio.
Here is this weeks 5 biggest hazards facing celebrities:
Number 5: News Vans. Paris Hilton was released from jail yesterday causing a swarm of reporters to flood the narrow streets of her LA home. In anger, Hilton’s biggest supporters and neighbors turned their backs on the media by honking their horns and making obscene gestures at reporters. Who is to blame? Is it the media or is it Hilton who nicely ordered Taco Bell to be distributed amongst police and reporters? Those vans that were clogging the streets are the property of our distant media relatives. As members of the media we are not making big bucks, not making denero, not getting the bling bling. Free food distributed to us like we are third world children is welcome. It’s like dangling a bottle of vodka in front of Lindsey Lohan’s face. Of course the media would hang around Hilton’s home for free Taco Bell and perhaps that is what she wanted. My ruling: Hilton was at fault and neighbors, keep your hands at 10 and 2 and not flashing the middle finger in my face. That could cause accidents you jackasses.
Hazard Bite Number 4: Acting Careers. The AP reported this week that Christina Aguilera is currently reading movie scripts in hopes of finding the right one to help launch her acting career. The 26 year old says she is quote, “looking forward to moving into another form of what [she] feels in another creative outlet”. Christina I thought you were one of the original pop princesses we were going to be able to save. Look how others have fallen: Jessica Simpson made “The Dukes of Hazzard”, Britney Spears made “Crossroads”. You just need to accept that God made you a successful singer. If I decided to expand my creative juices to say firefighting, lives would surely be lost and if you decide to make movies countless hours of some innocent critics lives will be scarred forever.
Hazard number 3: Baby Daddy. According to X17 Online, Britney Spears is set to file a restraining order against her mother Lynne citing that she no longer wants her mother around her children due to Lynne’s alleged abuse of prescription pain killers. Apparently Lynne’s trips to K-Fed’s house to visit little Sean and Jayden has put Britney on edge. Britney if you mother has issues than a restraining order…well still seems a bit excessive; however, I can’t blame you for being afraid of your mother. Look how you turned out.
Hazard number 2: Vegetarians. PETA has released the winners of its annual “world’s sexiest vegetarians” contest. Topping the list was Carrie Underwood and Kevin Eubanks. I just want to state for the record that I have no problems with vegetarians but I am calling for a “sexiest meat eaters contest”. How can fabulous celebrities like Michael Moore win a sexy award if they enjoy eating McDonald’s cheeseburgers every now and than. Also, our own Lindsey Saultz was left off the sexiest vegetarian list…come on PETA.
And the Biggest hazard to celebrities this week: Water. Paula Abdul was spotted at a party recently drinking Smirnoff Source, a spring water with a 3.5% alcohol content that provides an ultra-premium alternative to domestic beer. The product is designed to be “sophisticated” and an introduction of a lower-alcohol beer product to the market. Folks, we cannot remove celebrities from alcohol…just think of all the great stories we would have missed out on. Paris would have never gone to jail because she wouldn’t have failed a sobriety test; Lindsey Lohan would have never had that crazy memorial day weekend; and Mel Gibson would have never given that anti-semetic rant a couple of months back. I think this water is just a ploy so that Lindsey Lohan can have Smirnoff sponsor an AA approved 21st birthday bash.
And that’s not only dangerous, it’s straight up with a lemon twist hazardous.
This has been NonProductive’s Celebrity Hazmat and now were moving on.