By Dirk Trotter
There, that ought to do it. As you all know, I am running the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Like my sister-in-arms Hillary Clinton, I have been dismissed by the Beltway Insider Talking Head Punditocracy, that indeterminate mass of pusillanimous snobbery. They have tried, in their vile and bookish manner, to distract voters with heady concepts like addition (Chris Matthews said, “He’s not on the ballot in any state or territory, therefore he cannot attain more than 0 delegates.” Pheh.) and relativity (a Washington Post editorial said, “Trotter’s claims of momentum sound weak; he did double his vote total this week, although most likely because he wrote himself in on the ballot in his home state of Oregon.” Momentum’s momentum, eat it WaPo!) and message (Bill O’Reilly said, “As far as I can tell, he doesn’t even have a platform or even a single issue which he can support with any level of detail.” Elitist.) and money (The NY Times notes, “Trotter’s loaned his campaign it’s entire war chest, and he’s amassed a sizeable campaign debt – if you consider $17 sizeable. According to FEC records filed last week, the campaign bought itself one nice dinner and dessert at Applebee’s. This guy’s a joke.” Why? Because I like Applebee’s? My high school marching band’s picture is on the wall and you can see the top of my head if you look closely. What’s more American, you pigs? The joke’s on you.).
It’s hard to win the nomination when you can’t raise money or get any kind of recognition. But as my compatriot, the honorable Mrs. Clinton, has shown, what matters most in winning voters’ hearts are perception and the willing suspension of disbelief. A thing is only impossible if you admit it’s impossible, and even if it winds up not working out anyway, that doesn’t prove it was impossible, just a one-off-type deal, is all. And I will never, ever give a fair assessment of my chances. I leave that up to the pundits.
You shitheads! I wish my job was to spend hours of every night speculating and making snarky comments and referring to things as “Breaking News” as if I hadn’t made that exact news in a prediction two months prior (and every day since). I wish someone paid me to figuratively spin the “truths” – or “flip the burgers,” if you will – to fit some trite, insipid narrative that sells ad time. As opposed to my job where I quite literally flip burgers. There is a kind of truth in that, I suppose. In that it’s what I really do. In exchange for money.
Anyway, my point is that the dick-faced scumbag media elitists refuse to let the election play out in the polling booth. Oh, sure, they claim to be doing a service to the country by proffering news and analysis of the day’s relevant events, but what good do they really do? Who are they helping if not the little guy? Like Barack Obama wasn’t born with the kid from Silver Spoons in his mouth, as they say. Think about it: given how this country rallies around the underdog, shouldn’t a poor black kid with an immigrant father be considered the favorite from the day he entered this race? We whiteys can’t even talk about race without stepping on our own scrotums –doesn’t that leave us disadvantaged?
Breaking news for the favoritist newscasters: stop clouding the picture with your opinions like “it would be nearly impossible mathematically for Obama to lose the nomination.” I’m with Hillary here, anything can happen, let’s wait until all the votes are cast. And it’s sure worked for her; all she’s had to do is overtly foster unflattering social tendencies and encourage communal living in this her perpetual state of denial. Here’s how it works: she blames the media for not visiting in her bastardized version of reality, the media cowers in faux remorse and self doubt. They’ll just continue inflate her miniscule chances based entirely on the volume of that shrill voice of hers – until her official defeat as the delegates cast their ballots at the Democratic convention in August. And in my acceptance speech, I will thank her from the bottom of my heart for her vision, courage, and leadership. Anyone who suggests differently is totally gay.