My Thoughts on 3 Random Vampires

Hello! For #Geektoberfest I’m writing a bunch of very important articles on Spoopy and Halloweenie themed subjects. First up, vampires.

Vampires have been big ever since the runaway success of Dracula Daily but also probably before then? I don’t know, I’m not researching this thing.

So without any ado, here are my thoughts on some random vampires.

1. The Count from Sesame Street

What it must have felt like to be Norman Stiles, walking into the Children’s Television Workshop one day with a character that seemed to merely be a play on words (Count Dracula counts, get it?!?) only to have planted an evil seed that would sprout years later into the sudden realization by geeky fans that vampires of legend do count, obsessively. That little fun fact wasn’t really touched on a lot by Hammer Horror films, but man, Sesame Street was committed to educating children about the realities of life. Mr. Hooper’s undeath aside.

He can’t kill you if he’s busy counting a distracting handful of glitter thrown in his face.

2. Count Chocula

Some PR Director at General Mills, probably: “This monster movie thing is gangbusters! We need to get in on this racket! Someone design me a bunch of cereal that can use movie monsters as mascots, but don’t pay anyone anything!”

Their Assistant: “Well, we have all this chocolate, strawberry, blueberry, and other cereal lying around. We can just shape the chalky little marshmallows into anything and map them to horror stuff.”

PR Director: “Yes yes, fine. Make the blueberry bile, the strawberry blood, and the chocolate human excrement. Did you know you soil yourself when you die? Most people don’t know that.”

Assistant: (beat) “Maybe we should pay someone something?”

This could have been a precursor to Human Centipede.

Anyways, it’s a fine cereal I guess.

3. Count Duckula

Literally every image has him making this pose

Basically every image of Count Duckula on the internet has him striking this “you remember me??!” pose and it’s alarming.

Why are you so down on yourself, Duckula? Is it because you are very British? Is it because production company Thames isn’t a household name? Is it because your housekeeper mixed up ketchup and blood in the ritual that was used to resurrect you so you came back as a vegetarian which is really a lot of extra baggage to add to a character that’s already an anthropomorphic duck vampire? Was it the hair?

Probably the hair.

I have once again done zero research for this article, but I assume we can look forward to a gritty reboot next year from Netflix.

Frank will be writing more microblogs throughout the month of October leading up to thw only holiday that matters, Halloween!

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