*Dungeon Not Included – Episode Zero

[An upbeat, intense action tune plays in the background while everyone talks]
Red: Probably should be my turn? But… I… don’t, remember what- [breaks into laughter]
Everyone: [laughs]
Red: [laughing] Sorry!

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan (breh-nehn): Oh yes I think you had blasted enough of the buildings that there was a runway and you could do a takeoff? I think that actually did happen.

Red: Yeah.

Alex (al-ecks): I believe it did too.

Red: That was-

Brennan: So-

Red: -the end of the last session.

Brennan: -the pirates are now in hot pursuit.

Red: Okay. Yeah.

Alex: And if it didn’t happen that way… this is an alternate universe and this is what’s happening.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank (frenk): [chuckles]
Red: Yeah it’s the Mandela (man-deh-luh) Effect. [snorts]
Alex: Yeah. [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckles]
Red: Cause, y’know, that’s a good um…

Frank: Oh is it too late to name our ship!

Everyone: [laughs]
Red: We’re not just wrong it was an alternate universe that we remember and you don’t. [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckles]
Alex: Oh yeah. Yeah.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Alex: [As Growlcolm (growl-come), with a slight Australian accent] Uh, Captain! If you don’t, uh, have any objection I’m going to go see if there’s anything I can do about these shields.

Frank: [As Sticky, slightly higher pitched with a rough quality] Yes! Of course! We need those!

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: [As Growlcolm] All right.

Red: [As San (sahn)] I’m a little busy.

Alex: Yeah. All right, so, uh-

Brennan: Flying the ship, yes.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: All right, sorry.

Brennan: [cross-talk] And I do think Sticky is the absolute best at sneaking.

Red: Oh for sure.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan: The- yo- [breaks into chuckle] There was a running gun-fight, uh with Sticky stuck halfway out of the uh… landing gear of the, uh White Elephant.

Alex: Strawberry Coke. It’s like Dimetapp but worse

Red: Y’know, as much as I love Strawberry Coke, I really love Blueberry [chuckling] Coke.

Alex: Oh, I’m gettin’ there don’t worry. That’s the next one I’ve got open.

Red: Oh, great.

Frank: [cross-talk] You’re gonna love Mixed Berry Coke.

Red: [laughs]
Alex: Oh.

Frank: Now available in warm!

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: I think you mean hot! [chuckles]
Alex: Yes. Oh…

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: Yeah, systems. I’m lookin’ it up on the- on the space internet. Cause…

Brennan: Exactly

Alex: Mmhm. Yeah.

Red: Yeah.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Alex: Five.

Red: [approval noise]
Brennan: Ooh, nice.

Frank: Ooh nice!

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: Excellent.

Brennan: Ooh nice!

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan: Okay, so.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: [As Sticky] Y-you two ready to go? What’s- what’s the hold-up? Why-

Alex: [cross-talk, As Growlcolm] I-

Frank: [As Sticky] -are ya starin’ at it?

Red: [As San] I- I don’t like this.

Frank: [As Sticky] W-D- I have not known you to like anything so far.

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: [As San] I like Growlcolm!

Alex: [As Growlcolm] Aw, thank you. [Out of character] And my tail starts wagging.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Frank: I just wait a beat, and say [As Sticky] I see.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Alex: Uh…

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Alex: This week’s game sponsored by Blueberry Açai (ah-see-eye) Coke!

Red: [laughs]
Alex: [chuckling] As opposed to last week Strawberry Coke.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: [As San] Is- is this legal?

Frank: [As Sticky] Oh… [stutters] Who cares? I mean yeah.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [As San] Okay, fine-

Brennan: [cross-talk] “Who cares, I mean yeah.”

Red: [As San] Is it- is it moral?

Frank: [chuckling] I go back to cutting ice.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Alex: Uh- [laughs]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Alex: [As Growlcolm] We also made the decision to fly a pirate ship into a public airspace despite what anybody on the ground or any passers by would have found savory or unsavory, we make decisions all the time that may or may not be something that is “morally okay”. I don’t know if it was “morally okay” for us to fly our ship which being traced by pirates into a public space, we chose to do it. Uh, we aren’t policing ourselves why are we policing these people.

Red: [laughing] Now you’ve got San Ming (mihng) questioning that decision. [laughs]
Frank: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: So… I think our plan should be- w- we’ll investigate it as much as we can, see if we think it’ll go bad… if we take out the coolant. And y’know there- this is an ice planet maybe if we stuff the hold, or the uh, wherever we’re storing them-

Alex: [laughs]
Frank: -whatever room we’re storing them in with some ice they’ll keep!

Brennan: That actually is an innovative idea.

Alex: I like it a lot actually.

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: I th- I think that that’s actually- I think Growlcolm’s on board for that.

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: It’s the um… uh, responsible thing to do yeah.

Alex: I think so too.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: I’m still listening to that holding music on HR.

Brennan: [chuckles] You’ll be listening to that music forever.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan: [As NPC] He came in with that Class D crew. I don’t think that he’s probably worth that much.

Frank: I kinda- kinda like in the vents nod in agreement. Yeah. That’s pretty accurate.

Everyone: [laughs]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: [As Sticky] Growlcolm just gave us our ship’s motto. “For all we know we’re doin’ the right thing.”

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: [As San] I… don’t think that’s… a good motto.

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: [As Sticky] It’s a great one.

Brennan: [chuckles]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Alex: This week’s game sponsored by Blueberry Açai Coke!

Red: [laughs]
Alex: [chuckling] As opposed to last week Strawberry Coke.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: I will close the box and deliver it. [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: By far the most irresponsible thing any of us-

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
[Unintelligible]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Red: Maybe the engineer should take a look at that.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Alex: Oh yeah I can absolutely- L-let’s uh jump into this. Uh…

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan: Well you guys did better than I thought you were gonna do there.

Alex: Uh, well I- I was definitely, like, white-knuckling every one of those engineering rolls, uh…

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: I have a feeling that this ship by the time we’re done with it’s gonna like- we’re gonna be starting with episode 4 or 5 C3PO (cee-three-pee-oh) and we’re slowly gonna end up back to 10 year old Anakin (anne-uh-kin) C3PO.

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: Like wires and stuff everywhere as I jury-rig-

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: Uh, I’m gonna try to give us an- a little bit of an advantage with a plan. Uh, cause all I can do is I gue- I’m the bard. I can give us a little bit of a boost.

Everyone: [laughs]
Frank: Um…

Red: [cross-talk] We have a three-person party-

Alex: [cross-talk] If you-

Frank: A foul-mouthed bard.

Alex: If-

Red: And-

Alex: If you were-

Red: -you decided to be a bard.

Alex: If you were the bard what instrument would Sticky play do you think?

Red: [laughs]
Frank: Oh it would just be… Uh, you know, um…

Alex: [unintelligible]
Frank: Jethro Tull (jehth-row tohll) pan flute?

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: That uh…

Alex: Nice.

Frank: Because it would just irritate you that it works y’know? It’s just like “Aw, god, it’s good but… really?”

Alex: Yeah. All right.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Brennan: I wish we could get some of those… sweet, Coke endorsement dollars.

Alex: [unintelligible] We’re not gonna get them by not selling Coke.

Red: [cross-talk, chuckling] Yeah that’ll be…

Frank: You’re asking dollars?

Red: Kinda nice.

Frank: I thought it was just gonna be cans of Coke!

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: Yeah.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: Honestly that would still be fine. [laughs]
[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: [As Sticky] Right I think we did an awesome job of keeping these whats-its alive, or whatever.

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: [As Sticky] I’m super proud of us. Let’s go get paid.

Alex: [As Growlcolm] Yes. Uh let’s do this.

[Sci-fi blaster noise]
Frank: All these checks are actually coming from Pepsi.

Brennan: [laughs] Right!

Red: [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: Is Pepsi okay?

[Action tune ends]
[Spooky electronic theme fades in, then out. ]
[Lively piano music fades in]
Narrator: This has been a Non-Productive Media presentation. Executive producer Frank Hablawi (hah-blou-ee). This program and many others like it on the Non-Productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution noncommercial noderivatives license. Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information, visit non-productive.com.

[Music fades, video game sound effects come in then fade]