You People Are Perfect Strangers To Me


I waited a month for the smoke to clear.

The battle was, as battles tend to be, unexpected. The strong fell as fast as the weak. The destiny of those competing seemed ruled by fickle fate more than skill, reason, or their own merit. Some conflicts dragged on forever despite the sense that no one fighting really truly cared. Maybe it wasn’t about winning – maybe they just wanted to see the other guy lose. And by the end of it, if you could call that strained debacle an “end”, Madness itself welled up and took over the battlefield.

Classic Sitcom March Madness was a mother fucker this year.

It’s not as if it’s ever been “pretty” of course, I’m used to ugly competitions over astoundingly inconsequential debates. NonPro loses about 10% of our audience annually over arguments about who’s the bigger badass, Mum-Ra or She-Ra (correct answer: She-Ra. Go screw yourselves if you disagree). We understand that. We accept that. It’s part of the culling and we know that’s the only way it can be.

But this. This.

It’s not that I don’t understand some of the decisions that were made during this competition. I do. Some of these calls were incredibly tough. But then again, some of you idiots voted like people that had never turned on a television before in your lives. Or worse yet, some of you voted like… young people. Ugh. Makes me sick.

I can review all the weird voting patterns from earlier rounds; how The Adventures of Pete and Pete did very well for a non-sitcom, then somehow lost all momentum, or how Happy Days lost to the Fresh Goddamn Prince of all things, but I won’t. It doesn’t matter. It’s all dust in the wind. The final round justified all that went before it: a classic sitcom, The Addams Family, was up again another sitcom that basically solidified the genre, Perfect Strangers. The final round made everything that came before make sense.

But then only a spattering of votes came in. There were no arguments, no discussion, just people voting one way or another – and in some cases I’ve witnessed people merely voting against the winner! In the final round! For spite?? No… worse. To prolong the fruitless battle.

That’s like discovering our generals wanted to bleed out troops in Vietnam on purpose because fuck yes sure. YES IT IS EXACTLY THAT SERIOUS!!1!

The shows were never more than two votes off – a pathetic victory anyway you count it – but The Addams Family was in the lead. In the end, it won – but why?

Have any of you even seen that show? It sucked. Sucked hard. It sucked and blew at the same time. It was just the one damned joke over and over again. YOU SEE THEY ARE SCARY BUT NOT SCARY.

I realize you liked the movie. It was the 90s and everyone was stupid. Tim Burton was yet to be identified as a shit-burglar. But this was about the shows, not the movies.

Have you people ever even seen this show?

Quick, what’s your favorite episode of The Addams Family? What was the plot of that episode?

That’s right, you got nothing.

Now, what’s your favorite episode of Perfect Strangers? Thousands of scenes and stories flood your mind. (If not, jump down a well).

The Dance of Joy? I have [oh god] a plan. That stuffed sheep thing who’s name I forget. Don’t be Ri-dic-u-lous? CLASSICS

But that other show had a furry thing and a hand in a box and a fetishist or two. Also, Granny but no one cares because she’s old and a less-good version of Grandpa Munster.

Cousin Larry and Balki had to clean a giant clock face – compared to an episode where Pugsly was less weird than he usually is and so everyone cried. This is madness. The cousins were piano movers! Come on! Remember all those stairs?? They were fools to try, and we laughed at and with them for doing so.

You people make me sick.


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