Vanity Plates are Retarded!


Vanity license plates and their owners are retarded. 

Don’t try to dispute it.  There is no argument.  Vanity license plates and their owners are retarded. 

Perhaps it is unfair of me to make such a controversial statement without explaining my rationale.  I was driving to NonProductive today on scenic Route 1.  Bored with driving, I decided to let my eyes wander and see if anything interesting was going on that I could bitch about on NonPro.  My eyes landed to the car in front of me which had the distinctive license plate, ‘CRAZD.’  I could not believe that an individual would pay money just to advertise their mental handicap.   

We all like to imagine that driving around with a license plate that says something ‘clever’ like ‘2FAST4U’ would automatically increase your cool factor.  Unfortunately, in the real would, it makes you look retarded. 

Outside of this terrible story of Route 1 distractions, there are several other reasons why such plates suck the big one. 

  1. It makes you easy for others to remember you:  Thinking of a hit a run?  Want to rob a convenience store and need a getaway car?  Don’t even think of using a car with a vanity plate.  Others have a tendency to remember such retarded plates like ‘CRAZD’ and therefore could easily inform the CIA of your terrorist activity.  On the other hand, the New York car, whose owner was driving like a typical NY drunken asshole, will never be spotted again.  Why?  His license plate was some gibberish that my slack-ass mind could not even begin to try and memorize.
  2. You come off as insane to others:  Is it fair to assume that ‘CRAZD’ was mentally handicap?  Yes.  Normal individuals do not want to be called ‘crazy,’ ‘handicapped’, or ‘insane in the membrane.’  Perhaps the government should begin to use vanity plates so normal individuals can spot idiots without ever interacting with them; thus, they will have ample opportunity to speed past them.  Such plates could include, ‘3DUI S,’ ‘FAT 360,’ and ‘BLINDDR.’
  3. Time and energy does not bring benefits:  As I write this I recall that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes to the DMV to get a vanity plate and eventually ends up debating ‘NITZY.’  What lazy, unemployed, piece of sh*t would take the time and energy to willingly go to the DMV just to get a vanity plate.  This is the reason why you go to the DMV to get your license renewed and end up waiting in a chair for three days just to find out you don’t have enough points to prove who you are.  I know that ‘CRAZD’ spent a good couple of days, if not weeks, between Warped Tour 2008 and a Ron Paul campaign rally, thinking about this plate.  RETARD!!!

The next time a vanity plate that says ‘H0TT1E’ seems tempted just remember these words of wisdom:  no matter what the plate it says, it still says ‘R3TARD.’ 



Samantha ‘Plate Hater’ Little 

P. S. If you plate says ‘R3DRUM,’ you should start heading for the Canadian border now.  The cops have been trailing you for years.