The Tastemaker

Charles Bramner tells you what tomorrow’s consensus will be
by Charles Bramner, Tastemaker

Eliot Spitzer fucked up: Everyone knows that to avoid federal investigators, you should use the moderately-priced hookers and rent them from the area you’re staying in, to avoid raising red flags with federal accountants and state-line patrollers. True, Washington is known for having the lowest, dirtiest whores in the country, but Spitzer could’ve asked for Trent Lott’s guy. You’re making Jim McGreevey look like Donny Osmond.

John McCain should raise his arms: I mean seriously, Senator. Didn’t the army have a physical therapist available after they let you off the rack at the Hanoi Hilton? The next president ought to be able to answer the red phone at 3 AM, but can this guy even do that if he’s sleeping and it’s up by his head?

John Mellancamp is underrated: Why’d you lose the “Cougar”? People need to know where your heart is. Wear it! Roar!

Britney Spears is craazy (note second ‘a’): News flash: birth control is the new getting high, nailing guys unprotected, and squeezing out babies. Drop the dick, psycho!

And the Oscar for dumbest award name goes to: The Oscar.

Barack Obama is black? 

Zacarias Moussaoui: This guy should’ve been convicted for being all kinds of French, not the Muslim part.

Tony Snow’s cancer is in remission: But his heart is still black. The only thing standing between him and the Neocon Hall of Fame is a Jewish surname.

Rush Limbaugh, I’m out of pills: Do you have a guy? Seriously, I fucking need my shit.

The Sopranos was the best show on television: Now it’s like Hillarycare, in syndication. Wait, what? That doesn’t make any sense. Why won’t my backspace work? Why do I keep on writing this item? I’m still doing it! Note: delete this later.

Heath Ledger, I’m out of pills: I really need something already. Oxycontin, Oxy-10, Oxy Clean, I don’t care, just give me something.

Hot this spring: Red things. Everywhere. Watch for it!

Kollege kampus killers need to knock it off: I mean it. If we run out of college students, who’s going to buy my really cheaply made food?

And those are tomorrow’s opinions, today. Almost makes you wonder why even need time to continue its progression, no?