Round One of NonPro’s Cult TV March Madness was insane.
I practically mean that literally. People had to be insane judging by whom they voted for and why. Here’s my desperate attempt to make sense of it all – contest by contest – blow by bloody blow.
A-Team vs. Dollhouse
Because no one ever watched Dollhouse! Honestly, do you know one person that can truly say that they have actually seen more than a few minutes of a single episode of that show?? No. Of course not. Because no actual episodes were made. They just filmed a bunch of commercials and a few promo bugs to pad the FOX lineup. Duh.
Heroes vs. The Incredible Hulk
Winner: The Incredible Hulk
I think in a magical mystical what-if world (or Elseworld, depending on your choice in publishers), where Heroes was this brilliant show that got unfairly axed in its first season, that series would have had a chance here. Instead, the Hulkster beat those upstarts back to the funny pages.
Buffy vs. Brimstone
This one was, amazingly, very close to call. In the end, Brimstone went down with only a few votes shy of winning. Brimstone’s fans are very dedicated to the show, it is true, but the sheer volume of Buffy fans simply tipped the scales; despite the fact that said fans did not show an ounce of the enthusiasm that Brimstone’s fans did. It’s a shame, really.
Star Trek vs. Red Dwarf
Winner: Star Trek
As much as we love the crew of the Red Dwarf, you need a special kind of notoriety to survive when put up against one of the greatest franchises of all time. Maybe we should have specified it as Star Trek: Deep Space Nine?
Knight Rider vs. FRINGE
Winner: Knight Rider
See reasoning behind A-Team vs. Dollhouse
Magnum PI vs. Buck Rogers
Winner: Magnum PI
Look, the 80s Buck Rogers was cool and all, but mostly because of its take on the original comic, which for most people out there is the only thing they think of when they think of the character (well, that and Duck Dogers) Magnum PI, on the other hand, actually helped defined the 80s.
Quantum Leap vs. Battlestar Galactica
Winner: Quantum Leap
3 reasons: One, some people are still sore over the relaunch of Battlestar Galactica. Two, some people are still sore over the ending to the relaunched Battlestar Galactica. Three, Dr. Samuel Beckett is actually made of win.
Alias vs. V
Did you know that Alias was not actually Dark Angel? Because, apparently, neither did we.
X-Files vs. Millennium
Yeah, chances are that if you were a Millennium fan, it was because you were a fan of The X-Files first. This contest was actually a SHUT OUT. No one voted for Millennium.
21 Jump Street vs. Firefly
At one point, 21 Jump Street looked like it was going to close the gap, but the Firefly cult is still soaring high!
LOST vs. Sliders
Honestly? I don’t know… Fall out because of the finale? People too exhausted after years of analysis of the island? Maybe the people that really like LOST are too busy living their incredibly productive lives to worry about NonPro? Nah! Can’t be!
6 Million Dollar Man vs. Angel
Men aren’t going to vote for someone sexier than themselves. Thus: David Boreanaz beat Lee Majors. Yeah, we’re sad too…
Dr Who vs. RipTide
Winner: Doctor Fucking Who.
WHY? WHY? COME ON PEOPLE, HOW DID YOU LET THIS GET SO CLOSE?! ARE THE CRAZIES RUNNING THE ASLYLUM?
So, it seems as if NonPro got hacked by Anonymous, because at one point in Round 1, RipTide, a show no one ever heard of, actually was beating the most iconic show of the BBC.
Miami Vice vs. The Greatest American Hero
Winner: Miami Vice
You people make me sick.
Dukes of Hazzard vs. Starsky & Hutch
Winner: Dukes of Hazzard
Many of us were too young to watch the semi-gritty police work of Starsky & Hutch when it was first out, but our folks were fine sitting us in front of known outlaw inbred racists… and that’s why America is great.
Airwolf vs. The Fall Guy
Theme song. Both were great, but only one could be riffed on electric guitar.
Alright people, live with what you’ve done – and get ready for Round Two!