Leading Republican candidate for the White House, John McCain, announced today that he still strongly supports the War in Iraq, despite its growing unpopularity with American voters. In answer to questions about the advisably of this position, McCain declared that, “The only way forward is to press on, to give our fighting boys and girls the chance to prove themselves and to make their country-men proud!” McCain went on to say, “You can’t expect to make any distance if you keep changing course midstream. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it takes two to tango!”
Insiders believe this new wave of bombastic prose is part of the Senator’s plan to quell the public with grandeous statements of grossly exaggerated clichés. “People are sick and tired of reasonable responses,” says Ralph Smith, a chief Republican-stratigest out of Long Island, “They’re always so boring and depressing. The American people want pizazz, chutzpah, razzle-dazzle! They want catch-phrases! People don’t want to hear about surges and failed missions; they gravitate to tried and true political statements like ‘Remember the Alamo’ and ‘I Like Ike’ – we even considered changing Senator McCain’s name to Ike, but recent polls showed that the name skewed towards ‘spousal abuser’.”
This new philosophy the McCain camp has deployed has resulted in a great boost to his credibility amongst the illiterate and fearful. McCain is expected to sweep the Midwest next week with his newest campaign slogan, “Where’s the Beef?”
Walter Mondale could not be reached for comment.