In Defense of Bean, Disenchantment #WomenInFiction #MarchMadness

On Bean (or The Bucktoothed Overbitten Cartoon Dream and The Questionable Middle Aged American Male)

It has recently come to my attention that an organization based in New Jersey has been holding an open contest in which women of all fictions are being pitted against each other for various reasons in a March Madness NCAA-type thing (or so I imagine, having never run one of those, but you get the point). And in so doing have created something that should be celebrated throughout all of fandom.

Sadly, this is not the case.

In particular, while many of the entrants (enterees?) clearly belong on such a roster, it rapidly came to my attention that a glaring omission had occurred. Thinking it likely to be a typo, I explained my anger over this, only to be met not with understanding, but with direct derision. And this is a cause for concern.

The omission that I speak of will ring true in many hearts, as I speak of none other than Princess Tiabeanie Mariabeanie de la Rochambeau Grunkwitz, better known to the masses as simply Princess Bean. Now I do understand that not everyone might have heard of her as there is no overall accounting for taste, but let me point out a few things:

Dealing with the early loss of her Mother, she remained strong and determined. That this strength often came out of a bottle is of no one’s concern.

The teeth and freckles slay me.

Bean is for the common man

Unlike many other famous (or infamous) Princesses, Bean ignores the royal life and instead spends the vast majority of her time with the common folk in their taverns. Only Joffrey’s Wife on GOT embraced the smelly commoner, but that was revealed to only be a stunt as she actually hated them. Bean has no time for such foolishness. Again, her alcohol dependence is of no one else’s concern.

She’s 20x better than Bob’s Burgers.

She’s not obsessed with upward mobility

Instead of giving in to arranged marriages and the sort of thing Kingdoms are built upon, for closer relationships she instead chooses companionship with a tiny demon cat thing and a horny Elf, who she may or may not have gotten one off with. And that is gender and species tolerance of the highest degree.

She has white hair.

At only 19 years old, she can drink a crew of sailors under the table.

She’s hot AF.

In conclusion, this horrible injustice casts a shadow of doubt over this entire NonPro endeavor, to the point of, if I may be so bold, making every decision moot until this problem is fixed. I can only hope that Bean will find her rightful place in this roster, perhaps in place of one of pretty much every female cast member in the aforementioned hamburger-based Fox program. The obsession the curators of this event have with that show could very well merit its own paper in the future.

Good day to you all. I said GOOD DAY!

Are you obsessed with telling us we’re wrong about a subjective matter you could have just fixed yourself if you had nominated the character in the first place? Good! We’re looking for more contributors to give us what-for in our new “In Defense of” series of articles. Suggest your own today!

About Patrick Devaney 1 Article
A fixture in the NY Indie Scene since 2005, Patrick has appeared as an actor in some capacity in well over 50 productions. From general background on some of the biggest television shows in the world, to featured roles on cable crime dramas, to principal and leading roles in a wide variety of independent films.