*Dungeon Not Included – Episode 02 – Fart Tour

[Slightly spooky electronic music plays]
Brennan: This is Dungeon Not Included, the actual play podcast for the adventurous listener. You are listening to our game of Bulldogs!, a sci-fi adventure rpg from Galileo Games. Brennan (breh-nehn) is your GM and host, Frank (frenk) plays Sticky, Alex (al-ecks) plays Growlcolm McGruff (growl-come mih-gruff), and Red plays San Ming (sahn mihng). Our theme music is by Seamus Ronan (shay-muhs row-nehn)
[Theme ends]
Brennan: All right! And so we are ready to do our first adventure. So let’s uh, again, refresh everybody’s memory as to what our names are.

Frank: Feels like it’s been weeks, or a week.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] At least! Uh I am Brennan and I am your game master!

Red: I’m Red and I am playing the character San Ming.

Alex: I’m Alex and I’m playing Growlcolm McGruff.

Frank: And I’m Frank and I’m playing Sticky.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Red: [giggles]
Brennan: Nice. All right, so let’s set the scene a little bit. The place you are is a- uh, space station that is known as Job Tower, which was set up in orbit around the planet of Arsubar (are-suh-bar), uh, a heavily populated planet, to create a central place where people could go to look for work. And Job Tower is one of the places where you as, uh, Class D delivery people will be coming to, uh, get your jobs. And, Sticky you are on the docking ring of… the… space station, uh standing next to this incredibly ostentatious and ridiculous looking ship. Uh it’s painted gold, uh it has a huge Trans Galaxy logo on it, uh, somebody has made a uh- emblazoned it with “Captain Sticky”, uh-

Frank: [chuckling] Wow…

Brennan: -painting- painted on there.

Frank: Am I a little caricature on the ship as well? [unintelligible]
Alex: [chuckling]
Brennan: Absolutely, you got your thumb up, y’know. [laughs]
Frank: [chuckles] Winking really cute but-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Right.

Frank: -not at all how I actually look.

Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: Right, it is- it is totally a caricature of you I mean uh, y- if someone saw you and that, I doubt they would even necessarily know it was the same person so…

Red: [giggles]
Frank: I’m just standing there in all my… 3 feet of [chuckling] furry fury. Fist clenched, mumbling under my breath saying, [As Sticky, a slightly more raspy voice] “Please don’t be real, please don’t be real.”

Red: [laughs]
Frank: “Please just be an effect of the alcohol.”

Brennan: A man appears beside you, an Arsubaran (are-suh-bar-en). And uh he says uh, [As Arsubaran, a slightly higher voice] “Ah, Captain Sticky it’s good to see you. My name is Thomas (tohm-us), I’m your dispatch officer.”

Frank: “Who are you, and what is that?”

Brennan: “Oh well that’s your ship! Didn’t they tell you? They gave you the top of the line. It’s the w- latest in uh, space yacht technology.”

Frank: I put my paw out- or my hand out w- looking for his revolver?

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: Whatever like- or whatever service weapon he may or may not have or even if it’s the wrench, anything on him.

Brennan: On- on yourself or on the uh, this guy next to you.

Frank: I’m- I’m asking for his so just like without a word just reaching out my hand looking for something.

Brennan: Okay he uh. He looks a little confused for a second, and then uh shows you a uh. Uh, a manifest, a ship’s manifest.

Frank: He puts it in my hand-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Yes

Frank: -and I look at it, I look at him, and I f- throw it as hard as I can at what seems like the most-

Alex: [chuckles]
Frank: fragile s- surface on the ship.

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: And then I just wait and-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Yeah there’s some- there’s some lights, y’know in the back and you c- you definitely crack one with the uh, with the um… The thrown… clipboard. [laughs]
Frank: My- my- my demeanor lightens up and I’m like “Yeah… we can- we can make do with this.”

Brennan: Thomas seems, a bit, uh, surprised by this. A little, uh, confused. He walks over and picks up his clipboard again and he says uh, “Is there anything… that I can help you with? Um I was a bit surprised to get your uh, get your assignment. I’m usually working with uh, Class D, as you might uh, might know.”

Frank: “Well yeah, uh I’m just uh, looking to expand my horizons.”

Brennan: “Oh. So you- you really are in uh, in Class D.”

Frank: “Yup. Mmhm. Sickening isn’t it?”

Brennan: “Uh… I’m not gonna say it’s sickening.”

Frank: [chuckles]
Brennan: “Certainly not. Not to your- not to your face certainly.”

Frank: [chuckles] “Uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah uh- I’m basically y’know I’m bringin’ back uh Class D. I’m gonna make it more um… ostentatious and [stammers] presentable and um, other uh y’know fancy things. It’s gonna be great. We’re gonna make it awesome.”

Brennan: “I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.”

Frank: “Probably won’t, no, but it’ll be fine.”

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: “You’ll- you’ll learn to live. Or not.”

Brennan: “We do have uh, your crew arriving. Uh, luckily the ship is able to operate with uh very few. Uh, it is a three ma- three man ship, and we have an engineer and a pilot for you.”

Frank: “Well… I prefer a one-man ship but fine. Let’s- l-let’s take a look at the newbies.”

Brennan: Okay. Uh, up come walking uh, Growlcolm.

Alex: Uh sure. So a 6-foot tall half-human half-Border Collie starts uh walking his way up, uh lumbering up. But you actually hear him before you see him because his ta- his uh, toenails haven’t been clipped in a while and you hear the clicking of his toe- [chuckling] his toes on the ground.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Alex: Uh, his ears are… up and back, not in a… bad way but kind of alert, his tail is wagging. And uh, he walks right up, uh to… and look- uh I guess… he looks down and then he looks up at, uh, what was the… Thomas, he looks at Thomas, holds out one hand and says, [As Growlcolm, with a slight Australian accent] “Hello Captain! How are we doing today?”

Brennan: T-to Thomas? Uh Thomas says, “Oh uh, uh no I’m your dispatch officer.”

Alex: “Oh you’re the dispatch officer! Okay, so, uh, where is the Captain?”

Brennan: “Ah this is your Captain, Captain Sticky.” He gestures down towards the Urseminite (er-seh-mih-night) standing beside him.

Alex: “Oh, uh- uh he-”

Frank: I am urinating off the side of the loading dock.

Alex: [wheezes]
Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: “Um. Marking your territory I see, okay. So, uh, he- Hello there captain. I’m, Growlcolm McGruff reporting for duty. Engineer.”

Frank: “Oh are you like, the ship’s… mascot engineer or is there like a real engineer coming?”

Alex: “I mean I-”

Frank: “Or is this all we got.”

Alex: “In all fairness Captain, if there’s a mascot yours is the one whose face is on the side of the ship. So… Uh, I am the engineer.”

Frank: “I will have you neutered.”

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: “I will have you neutered.”

Red: [giggles]
Frank: “All right, I’m glad you’re uh you know, somethin’ decent and not somethin’ disgusting like a naked one of those things that are out there so yeah you’ll do great!”

Alex: “I-”

Frank: “What was your name again?”

Alex: “Growlcolm McGruff, sir.”

Frank: “That’s way too many. Uh- w- shorter. What is-?”

Alex: “Growlcolm?”

Frank: “I’ve been drinking. Growlcolm. Whatever, good.”

Brennan: And then uh… the other crewmate comes walking up as well. San Ming?

Red: Uh, San Ming is… fairly tall, she’s about 5’10”. Um, she’s, got kind of a hunched posture, like she’s like, trying to make herself as small as possible. Um, and, uh, she- she has on like this really baggy white T-shirt and like baggy cargo pants basically, and her shoes are about two sizes too big. Um, and, uh, she walks up to them, and she looks around and she says, [As San] “Uh, is this it?”

Brennan: Uh Thomas says, “Oh yes, this ship is uh, the latest, state-of-the-art technology it can be operated by uh three crew members easily. I believe… you’ve decided to name it “The White Elephant”?”

Frank: “[chuckles] Yeah.”

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: “So uh, who’s the giantess?”

Red: “Giantess?”

Frank: “Well you know, proportionally.”

Red: “W- I’m… I- I dunno if this- I’m not that tall.”

Frank: “No no you’re fine for whatever you are. Uh, wha- what’s your job?”

Red: “Um… I can drive?”

Frank: “Good. Drive a spaceship. We’re gonna be all right.”

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: [laughs]
Red: “Is it too late to get a different assignment?”

Brennan: Oh Thomas- Thomas smiles and says, “Oh, all Class D assignments are final.”

Red: [giggles]
Frank: As I’m about to get onto the ship I say-

Brennan: [cross-talk] “We get this question all the time.”

Frank: “That’s probably ‘cause we’re about to die!”

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [chuckles] He says, “Yes, common- uh, despite common misconceptions, it is, uh, it is not as if it’s not 50% chance of dying in your first year that’s- that’s myth, that’s not true.”

Alex: “That’s good to hear”

Brennan: “Yes it’s 47%”

Alex: “Oh so much better. Nice!”

Red: “That’s not that much better”

Frank: [cross-talk] “Laugh about that 3% now.”

Alex: “That’s 3% that’s a lot! 3% is a lot!”

Brennan: [chuckles]
Red: “This is life-or-death I don’t think 3% is very comforting.”

Alex: “It’s more comforting than 2%!”

Brennan: “Well be that as it may… Uh, be that as it may I do have your first assignment here and I’ve been told, by management” and he smiles down at you, Sticky “to take it very easy on you, uh, so here is- here is your- here is your manifest. You’ll be uh taking fertilizer to the uh- the planet Quissent (kweye-uh-sihnt), to uh The Grove Spaceport.”

Frank: “We’re… shipping crap?”

Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: “Yes yes, uh-”

Alex: [cross-talk] “Perfect.”

Brennan: “-do be careful because it does exude some methane and uh to make sure that that uh, that doesn’t build up too much inside the containers.”

Frank: “Right, explosive crap. Gotcha.”

Brennan: “Yes. Yes, it was the uh, it was the safest job I could find for you.”

Frank: “Yep I’m sure to find a way to make it less safe.”

Red: “Um-”

Brennan: “Well please don’t do that this ship is brand new.”

Frank: “[chuckles mischievously] Yeah.”

Red: “Is there like a form you fill out to transfer ships, or… or-”

Frank: “It- listen folks-”

Brennan: [cross-talk] “Or?”

Red: [cross-talk] “A review board-”

Frank: “-as captain I am not uh- I’m running a- I run k-kind of a tight ship but it’s mostly going to be a meritocracy. You’re both going to have to take care of yourselves and basically first person to claim a room it’s theirs. Go!”

Red: “Like what kind of process is there for changing your crew or-”

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: [cross-talk] Growlc- Growlcolm- Yeah Growlcolm’s gone. Growlcolm’s already booked it onto the ship and is searching for the best possible room.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: All right so uh, yeah you’re- you’re still talking to Thomas and Thomas is looking at you sympathetically as he slowly shakes his head. [laughs]
Red: [laughs] “I-”

Brennan: Uh- hands you a- a patch that says “White Elephant” on it and says uh “Well good luck!” and then, uh, wanders off.

Red: “I- [sighs] Is there like an HR Department?!” [chuckles]
Brennan: Sticky did you run into the ship as well?

Frank: Oh yeah, yeah I did.

Brennan: Yeah [chuckling] so you’re standing out there-

Red: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Brennan: -on the dock by yourself.

Red: San Ming just like calls out, as a last desperate attempt “Is there an HR Department at all?!”

Brennan: [chuckles] He says uh “Just call staffing!”

Red: [laughs] I’m sure it’s an automated… uh.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: It-it just sends you in circles forever.

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: That’s right.

Red: [cross-talk] Probably.

Brennan: Yeah it’s- it’s a phone tree with no exit.

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: Yeah. So yeah, uh-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Alright.

Red: San Ming will be the last one on the ship. But, it’s not going anywhere without her so it doesn’t matter [chuckling] all that much.

Brennan: Sure. Uh, coming onto the ship, uh, you- you charge past the uh, um… cargo bay and up the stairs into the uh, the top, uh… the upper deck, the crew deck, uh Growlcolm, uh, easily out distancing Sticky.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Brennan: He has short legs so… Um, and you find there are- [chuckles]. While there are a couple of, uh, crew quarters that are marked there are also what look like state rooms?

Alex: [cross-talk] Hm. Um, he’s looking for the biggest bed imaginable.

Brennan: Yeah the state rooms look great! Uh they’re- they’re luxury- they look like luxury, uh, accommodations. They even have their own head.

Alex: [cross-talk] Oh perfect. Yeah, uh Growlcolm goes right for one of those, and, uh, immediately turns around three times and then crawls on the bed.

Red: [laughing gasp]
Brennan: [laughs] Nice. Sticky you make it up there. Growlcolm has uh, already uh, siezed one of these staterooms but there’s still two left so.

Frank: Alright. Um, I’m actually not that concerned about the room. I- I- I want to slum it. So I’m just going to wait sort of right near where the entrance is. I- I- I see Growlcolm is enjoying the- the uh, the room he secured himself and I also see that uh San is very- [chuckles] s- I don’t know, s- [unintelligible]
Red: [chuckles]
Frank: I’d like to talk to San for a minute.

Brennan: Okay. You can uh- you can…. definitely catch up with her as she’s coming onto the ship into the uh cargo bay.

Frank: “So uh… You don’t wanna be here do ya?”

Red: “Um, not particularly.”

Frank: “Is there a particular place you would like to be?”

Red: “Um, not really but honestly at this point anywhere is better than here.”

Frank: “Here as in this ship. Wh-what’s the problem?”

Red: [cross-talk] “Here as in Class D. But-”

Frank: [cross-talk] “Oh I see. Well, listen. You don’t have to listen to me for nothin’, I’m not your boss and I’m not your dad and not your anything. But, is the one thing I’ve learned, is that if you’re on the top, there’s nowhere to go but down. But when you’re on the down… huh?!”

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckling] I like that you’re giving her a pep talk.

Red: [laughing] Uh, San Ming, like, looks really confused and is like, “Are- are you trying to cheer me up?”

Frank: “I think we both know I’m succeeding.”

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: [laughs] “Um, sure.” And she’ll just walk off.

Frank: [laughs] [cross-talk] I’m patting myself on the back.

Red: [cross-talk] She’s done with this conversation.

Brennan: Nice.

Frank: “Growlcolm, when you’re done in that room help me learn how to open up one of these boxes of explosive crap!”

Red: [giggles]
Brennan: Yeah there’s a- there’s a big stacks of boxes of explosive crap on the dock. You’re going to have to load ‘em up onto the ship, and the uh hold of the ship looks very small. In fact it looks small enough that you will not be able to fit all of those in there.

Red: [chuckles]
Frank: I’m no engineer…

Alex: [laughs]
Frank: But…

Alex: Uh, Growlcolm, uh comes u- comes out of the room, he looks down. He looks at the pile of- or the pile of boxes and does the math in his head and says, uh, “Has everyone picked a room?”

Red: Uh, I think San Ming has taken one of the state rooms as well.

Alex: “Are you taking one of the estate- the staterooms sir?”

Frank: “Yeah, yeah probably.”

Alex: “Okay.”

Frank: “And it’s Stick, not sir.”

Alex: [cross-talk] “All right, Stick. Uh, if you are- you’re taking one of the staterooms I have a stateroom, uh are there- there are other crew quarters, correct?”

Frank: [cross-talk] Yeah, probably.

Brennan: There are but they’re more like closet-like [unintelligible] areas.

Alex: [cross-talk] Are they big enough for a box of shit?

Brennan: Uh, no-

Alex: [cross-talk] Cause we might fill ‘em up.

Brennan: -But the, uh- the- the- the common area and the uh medbay seem to have room for uh, some of the uh-

Alex: [cross-talk] “Oh well we’re all healthy! Let’s just put it in the medbay!”

Frank: We’re just gonna-

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs] Sanitary.

Alex: “S- They’re in boxes!”

Frank: [cross-talk] If anyone was to get hurt, though.

Alex: “They’re in boxes, we’re fine. There, so-” He- Growlcolm goes down with a dolly and starts loading up.

Frank: “And depending on what we get hurt by, we’ll just roll around in it and we’ll feel better.”

Red: [cross-talk] “Um, that’s not-”

Alex: [cross-talk] “Do you have any idea how good our immune systems are gonna be by the time we’re done with this? We’re gonna be- it’s gonna be awesome.”

Red: “I think you have very… mis- very terrible misconceptions about how medical health functions.”

Alex: [cross-talk] “What are you a doctor or something?”

Red: “No, but, I’m also not stupid.”

Alex: “Well that’s- that hurts a little.”

Red: “I-”

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: [laughs]
Alex: His- his ears drop.

Red: [laughs] “I’m-”

Alex: “All right, then-”

Red: [unintelligible]
Alex: “Then- Then ki- Then kitchen it goes then.” [chuckles]
Red: “That’s worse.”

Alex: “We’ll put ‘em in your room then.” [laughs]
Red: “No.”

Brennan: There are also two escape pods.

Red: Yes. “Let’s use the escape pods.”

Frank: “Hm. That kind of makes me feel like I’m going to use them as a missile at some point to blow something up.”

Alex: [cross-talk] “Fert- fert- fertilizer bomb, I get it.”

Red: [cross-talk] “That’s-”

Frank: [cross-talk] “I don’t know if I wanna start off with that kind of, you know, temptation.”

Red: [cross-talk] “We’re not firing-”

Frank: [cross-talk] “Look let’s just put it in our bedrooms and get on with it because, this, shit job has to be over. We have to do another one after this.”

Red: [cross-talk] “We’re not firing the escape pods as missiles. That’s a safedty hazard.”

Alex: “Not yet.”

Frank: “Yeah I’m- it’s not going to be much of an issue for the person you’re killing.”

Red: “We’re, not- I’m not worried about, the people- We shouldn’t be killing anyone.”

Frank: [laughs]
Alex: “No I’m- I’m- I’m- I agree with Sing here. With San Ming here.”

Red: “Yeah, so, the escape pods are better storage for now, and if there’s an emergency where we need them, we can just push the crates out, without contaminating our food or our medical supplies.”

Frank: “Hm. All right, I see you both came to me with a, serious uh, issue. That’s my first lead so let me- let me think about this I want to be respectful of everyone’s feelings. All right!”

Red: Uh, San Ming turns to, um-

Frank: [cross-talk] “You guys move into the bunks, the staterooms are now our new cargo rooms, pile the shit there. Let’s go!”

Red: San- San Ming turns to Growlcolm is like, “Why is he captain?”

Alex: I- I-

Frank: [cross-talk] “Nobody really knows!”

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Alex: Um-

Red: Well, San Ming, um- Is there a way to lock the stateroom doors from the outside?

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah, I’m-

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: Yeah I’ve al- already got an engineer roll ready to do the same.

Frank: [unintelligible]
Red: [cross-talk] Yeah-

Alex: We’re piling this all in Stick’s room.

Brennan: One thing that I will note is that Sticky didn’t seem like he was doing this [unintelligible]
Alex: [cross-talk] Oh yes I noticed that-

Red: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Alex: -which is very much why this is all getting loaded directly into his room first.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Frank: When I said the staterooms I meant all the staterooms. Our staterooms are now going to be… cargo.

Alex: [cross-talk] You are- you are no longer in the room with us while we are making this decision. You left.

Red: Yes. Basically.

Brennan: [cross-talk] Yeah but he’s not gonna be offended. He’s gonna be offended that you kept but loaded his, probably.

Alex: Yep, probably. And that’s a problem that we’ll deal with later.

Frank: [cross-talk] One of them [unintelligible]
Alex: [cross-talk] So, uh-

Red: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Frank: We’ll see how much will fit in one stateroom.

Alex: Yep. Uh, so-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Right.

Alex: I’m gonna immediately walk right over and c- uh, give a, like, wink to, uh San and uh, lock my door.

Red: Uh, yeah I- I would also like to lock my door.

Brennan: Oh wow these are equipped with the latest, uh biometric sensors, so you can lock your door with a thumbprint and a retinal scan.

Alex: Um-

Red: Is there a way to do it without giving the ship my DNA? [chuckles]
Brennan: Well, yeah. It- it’s just a thumb print in a retinal scan.

Red: Well I mean, personal information.

Brennan: Oh no I’m afraid not.

Red: [laughs]
Alex: Can I engineer way around that and just make it so that only I can get into it through my own way?

Red: Like with a lock and a key?

Brennan: [laughs] That would require you to take it apart and put it back together.

Alex: [cross-talk] Which I can do.

Frank: Yeah but I also think that would be a little obvious?

Alex: I’m not worried. Uh-

Brennan: [chuckles] And you will have some time on your journey to do so but uh, you know, if you want to do it-

Red: [cross-talk] For now.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah no I’m

Brennan: -it’s gonna- it’s- it’s going to be a real rush job.

Alex: I’m gonna- I’m gonna do it. So-

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: I’m gonna quickly- I’m gonna quickly jam my door so no one can get in or out except for me.

Brennan: Great, so that sounds like an Engineering roll!

Alex: [cross-talk] Uh, do I just do straight Engineering or do I do Engineering plus my jerry-rig? Oh is that once a session, my jerry-rig? Or is that any time I want?

Brennan: Jury-rig, I believe, is any time you are doing anything without the proper tools, or uh… Uh, supplies.

Alex: [chuckles] Okay so since this is a brand-new ship and since I don’t know exactly 100% the technology I’m dealing with, would that count?

Red: [cross-talk] I think that also counts.

Brennan: No I guarantee you don’t have the right tools to do this.

Alex: Alright, so I’m going to attempt to do this. Uh, let’s- let’s see. And… that go through- yeah, 4.

Brennan: Very good! Okay so a 4 is enough for you to do that you’ve got this… horrific, Frankenstein’s door now.

Alex: Good.

Brennan: But, uh only you can open it.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yep.

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: Uh, so, I’m gonna, then wa- uh shoot finger guns, and then walk right down and start, like, loading up dollies to start bringing it up.

Brennan: Okay, ‘cause that took you about half an hour to do.

Alex: Sure.

Brennan: And there’s lots of like- you know you- you tore open a panel, it’s still open, there’s lots of wires, now, running from one place to another and, you know, that, don’t belong there.

Frank: [cross-talk] All right while you’re doing that, for a half hour I’m like, “So, whatcha doin?”

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Alex: “Uh, making-”

Red: Uh, San Ming is meanwhile loading up cargo, starting with um, the escape pods.

Alex: Yeah just going- going right and doing your own plan.

Frank: [cross-talk] Wait you [unintelligible] witnessing to this.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: Yeah. Yeah! I mean- who’s gonna fuckin’ stop me?

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: Well I’m actually just talking while one of them is putting a lock on their own door, the other one is loading this- the um, escape pods with feces.

Alex: Yep.

Brennan: Yeah. [laughs]
Frank: I’m just gonna keep talking. “To recap,”

Alex: “Uh yes Captain, what’s up?”

Frank: “I said we should probably use the staterooms, for cargo.”

Alex: “Absolutely.”

Frank: “So you’re gonna lock your door.”

Alex: “Uh-huh.”

Frank: “And you’re going to put all our cargo, into an escape pod, hoping that if we need it, we’ll have time to unload it, and put our bodies in there.”

Alex: “That appears to be what we’re doing.”

Frank: [cross-talk] “That’s your plan.”

Alex: “That- that appears to be it. I- all I know is I’ve marked my territory, that is my room, and I am not going to be putting… the cargo in it when we have other suitable options, like your room, and the escape pods and the common area and so on. So, I’m gonna take care of this and then I’ll go do my duty with the doody.”

Frank: “All right. Let’s play this game.”

Alex: “Absolutely.”

Frank: “Don’t put the cargo in my room.”

Alex: “I’m not. That was your idea, literally your call.”

Red: [laughs]
Frank: “And I’m un-calling it.”

Alex: “Okay, sounds good.”

Brennan: [cross-talk] If you- if you load both of the escape pods you’ve got enough room. So.

Red: Yeah, I mean that’s- that’s San Ming’s plan.

Frank: “Oh, and the plan is escape pods, feces, that’s it? Anyone going to decide that since it was my call to put it in my room, or our rooms that somehow I’m now magically tied to those words?”

Red: “Um, I think you were the one who said that you don’t want to be in charge, so…”

Frank: “Oh I’m asking you not to put crap in my room, since you don’t want it in your room, and he doesn’t want it in his room.”

Red: “That’s fine we have plenty of space in the escape pods.”

Frank: [cross-talk] “This is the kind of group we’re gonna be, where we have long conversations about boundaries.”

Alex: “Yes and when you unilaterally decided to put shit in my room I made a u- I made a decision about my boundaries. So I can continue your order after and put the shit in your room if you want, but my boundary is this door.”

Frank: “Oh I’m fine with that.”

Alex: [cross-talk] “Okay!” [chuckles] “So no shit.”

Frank: [cross-talk] “I’m just asking if you’re fine with my reassessment of my command.”

Alex: “Reassess all you want, we’re putting it in the ship. It’s gettin’ on there.”

Red: [snickers]
Frank: “I’m not saying that.” All right.

Brennan: Yeah are you putting any of the shit in his room?

Alex: [cross-talk] Oh no.

Red: [cross-talk] No.

Alex: No I’m- well if- it really comes down to what he wants. If he doesn’t want it in his room I’m not gonna put it in his room.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: [cross-talk] Cool.

Alex: Up until this point I thought he wanted it in his room.

Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: They’re- they’re respecting you Sticky, I can’t believe it.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] The- the ship- the- the cargo magi- m-magically gets put onto the ship uh, as far as Sticky is concerned, so…

Red: Mmhm.

Brennan: Uh, ye- your- your- your room remains unmolested by uh, by fertilizer.

Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: All right. So, next, uh, now that you’ve got all this done is you’ve got to uh, chart a course for the planet that you’re headed for. Quissent.

Red: Yeah. Is that my job as pilot?

Brennan: That would be your job as pilot.

Red: Yep that makes sense. So. Uh, should I do a Piloting roll?

Brennan: Yes.

Red: Okay great.

Brennan: Let’s have it. You don’t have anything that’ll apply to this probably.

Red: No, I- all of my uh Stunts are Rapport based, so. And that’s a- that is a 3, wow.

Brennan: Well that is totally adequate. [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: It’s extremely adequate. And I don’t feel like blowing my only point of Refresh- my only Fate Point- on, a- a Piloting roll.

Brennan: No, and really what it means is it just takes you a while. To uh, load the uh, course in.

Red: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Brennan: To make sure that it doesn’t run into anything, um, along the way. Uh, when you guys jump into hyperspace, you don’t want any large gravitational bodies in your path, because it will cause you to uh disintegrate so.

Red: Yeah that’s bad. Generally speaking.

Brennan: So, you managed to get the uh, the, course charted in. Um. The planet is not that far away from, uh, Arsubar. It is only about a three-day journey, so it shouldn’t take you too long to get there. As far as like uh, typical Class D trips go this one’s pretty good. It’s, uh, right in the center of the galaxy still.

Red: Is there, any kind, of ventilation system on this ship. with which we can release the methane gas?

Brennan: There is indeed a life support system on this ship, it is state-of-the-art.

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: Okay. Great.

Brennan: State-of-the-art, uh, biological life, uh, life-based uh, life support system. So it uses algae screens to uh, to… uh, filter out the CO2 but, you’re not exactly sure what the methane might do to them.

Frank: Uh w- what about the, uh, escape pods which I believe are now packed with this.

Alex: [cross-talk] [chuckles] Yes.

Frank: Not using the same life support system as the rest of the ship, obviously.

Brennan: Oh no, absolutely, they have their own, which is uh, not quite as, uh, state-of-the-art.

Frank: Right.

Red: [cross-talk] Do we know-

Brennan: They’re a little more reliable.

Red: Do we know what… the methane will do to them?

Brennan: Uh, methane is probably not going to damage that too much although, if you do try to use the escape pod it- it could be, uh, you know, it could be a little while before you are able to breathe.

Red: [cross-talk] Okay.

Frank: “[unintelligible] If the escape pods are now filled with feces, with methane that we need to vent, and they’re still part of the ship, ‘cause they haven’t escaped, and we’re venting them, where does that go? Would it go inside our ship, where the escape pods are? Well I guess we’ll find out.”

Red: [snickers]
Brennan: [chuckles] Where does the methane go, is that what you’re asking?

Frank: I’m- I’m- I’m asking and I also don’t think I would know.

Brennan: So the methane from the escape pods, yeah you would have to vent that into the ship.

Alex: [laughs]
Frank: Right.

Brennan: You’ll know that Growlcolm, but I don’t think Sticky does.

Alex: Yeah, so, uh, “Yes sir it’ll end up in the ship.”

Frank: “That would be probably deadly for us.”

Alex: “Mean the- for- 47%.”

Brennan: [chuckles] Uh, y-you do notice that each of the uh, uh, crates that the uh, fertilizer is in has a little thing that indicates the methane buildup inside and, uh, it has an-an automatic threshold where it will vent that methane.

Alex: Uh, is there a- just c-cause I would have this knowledge, is there any like. So it’ll auto vent, but we can vent it on our own, correct?

Brennan: You could manually vent it as well, yes.

Alex: Okay, uh. “So, if you look here we ha- you can see this little, uh, gauge here if- it- if it builds up enough it will actually release it until but if there was some way or place we could- we could actually vent this ourselves in a safe location and then… release the pressure- pressure and then continue on our way from there, I don’t know what- if you wanna… make a stop somewhere to, do that before we have a rupture, or if we’re just got to figure out how to vent our ship itself. Uh, any thoughts?”

Brennan: I’m not sure Sticky actually knows anything about the- the science stuff. Do you?

Frank: “We- I’m- I’m just- this is your show. You- you- you let me know.”

Alex: “Uh, I guess what I’m asking is, uh, do you think we’re going to be looking at these gauges? Do you think before we make our rendezvous were going to have to vent, because if that’s the case, if these’re gonna force vent beforehand, we should find- we should be hopping from location to location, on the way to this planet so that we can stop, vent, get back on, and continue.”

Brennan: That is in fact something that you could do. You could stop at a planet, open up the ship and let methane vent out.

Frank: “You want to land on planets, and fart on them.”

Brennan: [wheezes]
Alex: “That’s the plan, pass gas and get out.”

Red: [giggles]
Frank: “Hm. Well, good luck with that one. Let’s see how this all develops.”

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: No Growlcolm will uh, head up and, basically give the plan to, uh, San. “So San-”

Brennan: Which means, yeah.

Red: So I have to my entire course. [laughs]
Alex: [cross-talk] Of course, yeah.

Brennan: [cross-talk] That’s correct. [laughs]
Alex: “So, San it wouldn’t be that big of a deal f-”

Frank: [cross-talk] “Is there a problem with that, San?”

Alex: Yeah. “It would be that big of a deal for you to just- to divert a little bit so that we can, uh, you know, release some of this gas in a safe location, uh and then get back on course, uh, otherwise we’re going to be dealing with, you know, this place being filled to the brim with different types of gas. Any thoughts?”

Frank: “All you gotta do is find a bunch of safe locations in this part of the universe, that we can just land on, or go past real fast and release toxic gas!”

Red: San takes a deep breath, and counts to 10.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: And then she takes out- uh- she lets it out, and she says, “I can replot the course.”

Alex: “Wonderful.”

Red: And, as soon as the two of them leave she starts dialing the staffing number. [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] Yeah.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: [mimicking an automated phone tree] “Your call is important to us.” [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Red: And that’s- that hold music is going to be her background music while she replots the whole fuckin’ course.

Brennan: [cross-talk] Replots the course. Yeah. You’re never going to talk to a person on that line.

Red: Oh god no!

Brennan: [cross-talk] Just so you know. [laughs]
Red: Listen, I, Red, know that, but San Ming is a little bit desperate.

Brennan: [cross-talk] [laughs] Does not, yes. All right, so you don’t need to reroll. Y-you know-

Red: [cross-talk] No.

Brennan: -We can just take your time reflect the course, uh.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: Uh, it is going to take you now about 5 days to get there.

Red: Okay.

Frank: Stick is loving how this isn’t working out for two reasons.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: In- in his mind he was being reasonable about, what we need to do. We don’t need these big staterooms, we could get rid of ‘em. Um, and we should you know, plan it out ahead. The other side of him, which is the exact opposite part of his brain,

Red: [giggles]
Frank: Is, like, ‘you wanted this to be good plan’. He wanted us to think this through, and come up with a plan, and- and do it! But like he won’t admit that to himself, because he doesn’t want to be in charge, and he doesn’t want to be part of a team, and he’s not a leader, and he’s not a hero, etcetera.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: And for both reasons he’s just sitting back and smiling as things fall apart around him.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] Perfect. [laughs]
Red: We all hate you too, Sticky.

Brennan: So just so you know the uh piloting interface is also state-of-the-art, so, uh-

Red: What does that mean?

Brennan: It means there is a number of gauges and things that you don’t know what they are and what they do.

Red: Can I roll a Systems check to see if I do know what they are and what they do?

Brennan: You can roll a Systems check to try to figure it out, yes.

Red: Okay, yeah, ‘cause I do actually have Systems.

Brennan: Right.

Red: Surprisingly. So. Here we go. Minus 3!

Alex: [chuckles] Oh no.

Brennan: Wow!

Red: I really don’t know what they do!

Brennan: So, the more that you look at this, the more you realize that, you know- first of all it’s- it’s written- it’s not written in Galactic standard, some of the instructions. Uh, they seem to be written in some, uh, some other language, which s- is a little bit odd, uh, but also that, they- they do- they automated a lot of the piloting functions, but in a way that… is… very inefficient, for you as a pilot to work around.

Red: [cross-talk] Oh good.

Brennan: Um, somebody who is a terrible pilot would probably be really happy with this, but, being even a halfway competent pilot makes this, like, the worst system possible.

Red: Oh god.

Brennan: Uh, bypassing them is, basically also impossible.

Red: Oh god.

Brennan: Yeah you’d need to reprogram the whole… uh, console. Which will-

Red: [cross-talk] Which, going off my Systems roll right would be a bad idea.

Brennan: Oh no- yeah, you would definitely make it worse. [laughs]
Red: [chuckles I am not- How- how bad is this going to make our trip?

Brennan: Oh not bad- uh, for anyone but you.

Red: [groans]
Brennan: You- you’ll- you’ll get the piloting assistant saying, [using a Clippy voice, a high pitched and annoying voice] “It looks like you’re trying to take off! Can I help?”

Frank: [cross-talk] Oh, Clippy.

Red: Go away, Space Clippy!

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: [laughs] I am so glad our AI is Clippy.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs] Why do I have to be a competent pilot?

Brennan: [laughs] Well that wasn’t a very competent Systems roll either so.

Red: No it wasn’t. Listen I have a Systems at an Average, a plus 1. That’s not- I’m not great at it, but I’m better than your Average Joe.

Brennan: All right. So you got the new course plotted in, you’ve got the uh, console figured out enough to get rolling, and, uh, you can take off!

Red: Okay! I will do that.

Brennan: All right. Are you going to warn anybody before you do?

Red: I’ll go on the comms and say, um, “Take off in 5 minutes.” right before I do that.

Brennan: Okay.

Red: Yeah. So they can like not be standing when it happens. [giggles]
Brennan: That sounds legit. Because you’re still unfamiliar with this, although, what happens when you do take off is the ship then pulls very slowly and very safely out, of, uh, the docking port.

Red: [groans]
Brennan: They programmed all of the relevant, uh, rules and protocols in.

Red: [sighs] What- how long until we’re- [chuckling] until I can, like, fix this thing. [cross-talk] On this 5 day trip.

Brennan: [cross-talk] Well you probably don’t want to that while the ship is in motion. You probably don’t want to do it while the ship is in motion.

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: No, so like, until- when we stop to release the methane, basically.

Brennan: Yeah, that would be the first time you could do anything.

Red: Okay. Yeah.

Brennan: All right. So your first stop, uh, is the planet where… they do a lot of the shipping staging for, uh, Arsubar, because Arsubar is a very busy, spaceport, they don’t tend to, uh, load all their cargo through there. Uh, there’s another planet, uh, nearby, and you had there. Uh, landing, uh, amid a giant- giant piles of shipping crates that people on the planet look like they’ve built houses and stuff out of. So uh, how are you going to do this uh, methane venting?

Alex: Well I’m-

Brennan: Are you going to try and hide what you’re doing, or are you going to just…?

Alex: Well- okay, so, what I’m ima- what I’m imagining, is that, as we’ve landed, if this really is like a giant, like, shantytown made of shipping crates and so on, there’s probably like, a ton of people looking out to see this massive ship landing there. Am I-?

Brennan: Oh yeah it’s glittering gold, it’s gorgeous.

Red: [chuckles]
Alex: [cross-talk] Oh yeah. So, with this massive ship right there, this beautiful thing, I think we’re just going to walk outside and hit the release buttons and just unload the worst smell they’ve had [chuckles] of all time. Uh, just-

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] Okay. Yeah, you’re just going to go ahead and vent it just like that.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah. “Loading up the dollies.”

Brennan: That’s great. This planet called De- is called Depot.

Alex: Ah.

Brennan: Um. And uh, yeah. The- the stench is pretty awful I mean it smells like a feedlot. So.

Alex: Uh Growlcolm is doing his job, with his tail wagging, very happily walking out and unloading crate by crate, venting them one at a time, bringing it back inside and putting it back where we had it before.

Brennan: [cross-talk] [chuckles] Oh that’s how you’re doing it.

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah! But [unintelligible] just- just go outside- just- yeah.

Frank: [cross-talk] Hold on a minute. You’re doing this in real time?

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Alex: Yeah!

Frank: Like- like setting off visible farts?

Alex: [laughs] Yeah. “Do you have-”

Brennan: [cross-talk] Fart by fart.

Alex: “Do- do you have a better idea?”

Frank: “No. You know what, good luck.”

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [chuckles]
Frank: “I’m sure this is gonna work out fine.”

Alex: Yeah, oh no. One at a- one at a time, we’re bringing ‘e- I’m bringing ‘em out, because what uh- where’s ke- what am I- what am I going to do, unload it all- like vent it all at once so the ship gets filled with it and then open it up and then get like, the remainder of the smell staying- what the gas is gone but the smell stays with us forever? That’s not happening. So… he brings it out he starts-

Brennan: [chuckles]
Alex: Starts venting ‘em all individually. Waving at people while doing so.

Brennan: Wow.

Red: Wow.

Brennan: Okay well that’s gonna- that’s gonna go on for maybe 20 minutes before the, uh, authorities here at this port start coming over.

Frank: While this is going on what- what are people’s reactions to this is after they realize it’s not stopping?

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: Oh people are- people are getting angry. There is- there is a crowd building up. Uh, people hol- uh, holding their noses and s- and shouting at you, uh, you know, at Growlcolm as you’re doing this. And uh, finally, yeah, some of the uh, the Port Authorities come over and, you know, they catch the stench and they’re like, [As Port Authority agent] “Good gods what on earth are you doing? Get that back on your ship!”

Alex: “Uh it will literally kill us! I’m going to release it here, thank you.”

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: He’s like, “No you’re not! Get that back on the ship and get out of here!”

Alex: [cross-talk] “In like 5 more crates, just give me a couple more and we’ll-”

Brennan: “Absolutely not!”

Red: [giggles]
Alex: “I think you need to s- I think you need to speak to our Captain, he’s the little [fellow] inside, I will keep doing this and when I have an order from him I will stop.”

Brennan: They looked over at you- uh you know at the ship, uh, and- Are you- are you there, uh, Sticky or you hiding inside the ship somewhere?

Frank: I’m- uh, I guess I’m on the ship, looking at him by- hand delivering these crates.

Red: [giggles]
Brennan: Hand delivering stink! [chuckles] Okay! So, they look at you, the- they see an Urseminite, right? As he refers to the Captain, and they look at each other, and then they both approach. You can see one of them, he unsnaps his gun, as he’s coming over.

Frank: Mmhm. I look Cute As A Button!

Alex: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] All right! Nice! However, as an Urseminite, unless you want to spend a Fate Point to avoid it, everybody hates you, and has uh, the Urseminite Bastards Aspect already on them.

Frank: Uh, I’m actually uh, fine with this.

Alex: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Frank: [unintelligible] I’m on their side.

Red: God.

Brennan: Uh, the- the guy stops- you know they stop and are there like, “Captain? You can’t do this here. This is, uh, this is for cargo unloading and loading only, uh, not for venting-

Frank: [cross-talk] “Well, technically he is unloading.”

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: “Sure.”

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: “But this stuff doesn’t even- doesn’t even look like it’s being delivered here he’s puttin’ ‘em back on the ship after he l- after he vents them!”

Frank: “Uh, yeah, he- he called me Captain?”

Red: [chuckles]
Brennan: Uh- One of the guys then is like, “Oh, [scoffs] it was a joke! No wonder.”

Red: [laughs]
Frank: [laughs]
Brennan: [cross-talk] “Man!” [laughs]
Frank: [cross-talk] I nod. I nod, I’m like “Mmhm.” You know I could say yes but I nod.

Brennan: Right!

Frank: “So, confidentially I think there’s something a little ‘wuh uh’ with that guy. Like why would you do this by hand?”

Brennan: [laughs] All right.

Frank: “Let me try something out. If I give him a direct order and he listens, I-I’ll fix the problem for you okay?”

Brennan: [chuckles]
Red: Oh my god.

Frank: [cross-talk] “Hey- Hey Growlcolm!”

Brennan: [cross-talk] “Okay.”

Alex: “Yes sir?”

Frank: “Take all the boxes you’re unloading out there, and put them in your cabin.”

Alex: “Uh, absolutely not sir.” [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: “I don’t even know who his- I don’t know why he calls me Captain, maybe he think it’s my nickname. Anyways arrest ‘em!”

Brennan: All right. So as you load that last- that one that you just vented back onto the cargo deck, uh, one of the guys comes up to you and- you know they got two guys are now standing there, and as you’re trying to wheel another one out they stop you, and they’re like, “Listen, you take that out there and you vent it, we will arrest you.”

Alex: “Oh well, if that’s the case then I-I [chuckles] I guess I’ll just put this right back on inside! And, uh, walk the-” How- how many crates do we have left?

Brennan: Uh you’ve vented about half of them.

Alex: [cross-talk] All right. O-On to the next one!

Frank: You ever [unintelligible]
Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] [cross-talk] It took them a while to figure out what was going on.

Frank: [cross-talk] Is it one of those things where like, it was a joke that it gets funny that it stops being funny and they’re like ‘Wait a minute there’s gotta be a joke here’.

Alex: “Did- did I hear him-”

Brennan: Yeah they’re like, ‘Wait a minute he’s bringing another one out?’

Alex: “Uh, did I- did I hear him tell you to arrest me?”

Brennan: “He- he did not tell us to arrest you. Y-your- your crewmate there…”

Red: [snorts]
Brennan: [chuckles] “Was- is- this is- this is your responsibility. We’re- our job is making sure that the uh, the port remains free of stench, and so we’re going to uh, put a stop to this right now.”

Alex: “Okay! Uh, do you have any place that you would recommend for us to go unload this stench?”

Brennan: “Some other planet.”

Alex: “Uh, could you give some coord- help us figure out our navigation system so we can get it there?”

Frank: Oh boy.

Brennan: Oh boy. He’s like, “Listen,” he looks at the ship, looks a little confused, then looks back at you and he’s like, “Wait you guys are Class D?”

Red: [laughs]
Alex: “D.”

Frank: What were you thinking of course.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: He’s like “Well it explains a lot.”

Red: [laughs]
Alex: [laughs]
Brennan: “Sure, uh. I’m sure you can figure out some other planet, or moon, or you know like, anywhere other than here, to do this.”

Alex: “Sounds-”

Brennan: “I just want you to get off planet.”

Alex: “Sounds good to me.” And uh, he starts loading all the crates back inside, uh, and any ones that still need to be vented, um, he’s going to, uh, just put into one particular escape pod.

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: Yeah. Just right into one of them. Half of them are out, he’s going to go- all of it right back into this one individual one so that if there is an issue, there is at least something we can do about it.

Brennan: Okay.

Red: Uh, so while this is going on I want to fiddle the um… the systems and see if I can turn Clippy off.

Alex: [laughs]
Brennan: [chuckles] All right, so that’ll be a Systems roll, as you’re attempting to reprogram your uh, piloting system.

Red: Yeah. That’s a 1!

Brennan: Okay. So uh, yeah you’ve managed to turn Clippy off but then it suddenly- it seems to put you into uh, like a flight training system.

Red: Oh god.

Frank: [laughs]
Red: [laughs] [cross-talk] So-

Brennan: [cross-talk] So it doesn’t have- it doesn’t have the uh helpful assistant anymore, it’s just like, really holding your hand through every step.

Red: Well it’s better.

Alex: [chuckles]
Brennan: I don’t know, maybe.

Red: Maybe? I’m not sure.

Brennan: Alright. So yeah that uh, that- you vented about half here on Depot.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: You have two other stops scheduled in between here and uh, and Grove, the port that you’re headed for.

Red: Um, how big is Depot?

Brennan: It’s pretty big, it’s a planet. So.

Red: Okay. I assume somebody is going to inform San Ming on the situation?

Brennan: Oh yeah, absolutely.

Red: Yeah. So, um, yeah San Ming is going to think for a moment and say, “Growlcolm, keep those containers handy, I’m just going to move to the other side of the planet and we can finish up there.”

Alex: “Sou- uh, sounds good to me.” And just, leave them right there.

Red: Yeah. So, um, then, San Ming is going to move the ship, like to the other side of the planet, not going out into space but just like, doing a low flight pattern just to get farther away.

Brennan: You’re going to fly through atmosphere to fly to some other place.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: The- the planet itself is just this massive port pile of shipping containers, everywhere. Uh, it’s like a vast desert of them, and you uh, you can find uh, some other places to set down but none of them look like they’re particularly uh, useful for your venting situation because there are lots of people around.

Red: Huh.

Frank: “Need any help? Or you two got this handled.”

Red: “Um, mostly I just need to find a place to set down. Where we’re not going to choke anybody to death.”

Frank: “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.”

Brennan: Yeah the problem is Depot is just- uh it’s a uh, a… a small world but uh, completely covered in, uh, things coming and going, you do find like a small swampy island somewhere that you can set down but you’re not sure how firm the ground is for the ship.

Frank: Can I uh make a Larceny check to reverse larceny to deposit something sneakily, somewhere on this planet.

Alex: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] Perfect.

Frank: Is my modifier nothing?

Brennan: Uh, do you have any um, Stunts that help you with that?

Frank: Scroll- hold on a minute.

Brennan: I don’t think so, I don’t think you have any Larceny stunts.

Frank: No.

Brennan: Yeah I think yours are all Command. So no you- there’s no bonus for this.

Frank: [chuckles]
Brennan: Uh-oh. You got a 1. So you will find, uh, you can find- you can- [chuckles] yes you can find a place to ditch stuff right? Uh, one of the things that you can do is find a spot where there is an empty cargo container and just look like, you know, pretend that you’re loading the stuff into the cargo container.

Frank: Yeah, this still seems too risky. I’m just gonn- I’m gonna hold on to it for now.

Brennan: [laughs] Okay.

Frank: I’m gonna hold the gas.

Alex: [chuckles] Yeah.

Brennan: Hold it- you’re gonna hold it in as you guys fly somewhere else.

Red: [chuckles] God, okay.

Alex: “Now let’s find another stop and unload there.”

Brennan: Okay. You can make it to the other stop but it looks like uh, some of those things might be very close to venting by the time you get there.

Frank: This is going to be fun.

Brennan: You could speed up your trip with a Piloting roll. That might actually uh make it, uh, doable.

Red: Yeah I can attempt that. Uh, 3?

Brennan: A 3. Uh, yeah, when you are pulling into the next planet that you are- you’re next uh, you’re next um, pit stop planet, these things are basically in the red, so you’re going to have to get him out of this ship like, ASAP as soon as you land.

Red: Yeah I will, um, hmm. I mean, I- I’ll assist. I can put off trying to fiddle with the cockpit for a little while.

Brennan: Okay. So you uh, you land. This planet is, uh. Looks like some kind of agricultural planet. Uh, very similar to the one where you’re delivering this stuff. And uh, it has got like the uh, th-the port that you’re landing in is much more open than the one on Depot was. There are still some people hanging around but it’s not like a big crowd, and if you release the gases here it probably will just blow away over the uh plains, so it seems like a little better spot for you to do your unloading if you can get the stuff off the ship in time. Which will take a Physique check.

Alex: Well wait a- here, wait- wait a second. What are- how do the pods eject?

Brennan: Oh!

Red: [cross-talk] Oh my god.

Alex: [cross-talk] Because the fastest way to get these off might be to open up- like open up the pod. and shoot it out, and just let it vent that way. Like, I don’t know-

Brennan: You could have eject the pod.

Alex: [cross-talk] Like I’m trying to figure out like what like- is that going to destroy the pod in the process and destroy everything else or can we just like- drop it away.

Brennan: No getting the way- ejecting the pods is actually relatively easy. They’ll fly off.

Red: [cross-talk] How do we get it back on though?

Brennan: It’s getting it back on- back on the ship that’s going to be the difficult part, you’d have to actually, uh pilot it back onto the ship.

Frank: Do we actually- I mean, at this point- so here’s one of the things I think Frank really wants out of here. I want to have a- a scene where we decide to work together as a team right?

Red: [chuckles]
Frank: That- that fits perfectly in the narration.

Alex: Yes

Red: Yeah.

Frank: When you don’t want to get along, we don’t get along. And then at some point like all this planning we’re doing right now, we’re doing this all-

Red: [cross-talk] Individually.

Frank: I don’t care if we don’t even say a word to each other.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: That’s true. So-

Frank: So can we have a scene now where everybody has a piece of this plan but we ‘cause we’re refusing to contact one another we don’t know what it- we- we don’t have a way of putting it together.

Brennan: Right. So, uh, Growlcolm is down by the escape pods, where is San Ming?

Red: Um, San Ming is probably down there too. She knows that these things are, like, almost full to bursting so she can’t fiddle with the cockpit okay so you basically coming down the hallway from the cockpit right now.

Brennan: Okay so you’re basically coming down the hallway from the cockpit.

Red: Yeah.

Brennan: And uh where are- where are you Sticky?

Frank: I think I’m right there, uh, alongside, uh, Growlcolm. Sort of looking at all this, still wondering when we’re going to communicate.

Brennan: Okay.

Alex: All right. “Uh- so we have a couple-”

Frank: [cross-talk] “Exactly-”

Alex: [cross-talk] “We have a couple-”
Fran: [cross-talk] “What’s the plan now?”

Alex: “Well as far as I see we have a couple options. There’s just straight-up trying to carry it out of here but, I mean frankly how d- how many crates do you think you can carry? Like, I-”

Red: “Quite a few.”

Frank: “Growlcolm, did that work for you the last planet we landed on?”

Alex: “[sputters] It would have worked, but there were other people there. All I’m saying is do you- okay, do you think that I can unload all of these one at a time like we did before in the time it takes before going to explode or do you think that you are actually physically strong enough to move any of these? ‘Cause as far as I can tell these are very very heavy. I don’t know if anybody else here- may- maybe San might be able to help me actually carry this out, but your- you s- physique does not actually seem to be the- of such that you’d be able to help you much here. I was thinking that the fastest way to do this would- before these are going to actually exploded and endanger us, is to just remove the, uh the escape pod, and vent the escape pod separately. We can then have somebody fly it back. I have a little bit of piloting knowledge, I can do this if you guys don’t want to do it, but I think that the only way to do this where-”

Frank: “Growlcolm, Growlcolm.”

Alex: “Yeah?”

Frank: “Why don’t you work with everyone else. Maybe that’ll work! Maybe-”

Red: “Unfortunately I agree with Sticky.”

Brennan: [laughing] Unfortunately!

Frank: “We know you can deliver things! And, since you had a lot to say, and time is of the essence,” I wait a comedy beat. “I don’t think we have enough time to do it by hand.”

Alex: “Okay so let’s do the escape pod.”

Frank: “So, how about you figure out a way to make them all release at once, remotely, we jettisoned the escape pod, jettison the thing that’s happening inside the escape- escape pod which is the methane release, and then uh maybe San catches the metha- the may- the big bowl of methane death or it lands on the planet and kills a bunch of farmers and who gives a damn.”

Alex: “I-I kinda give a damn, but- I don’t know about San, San do you give a damn?”

Red: “I don’t want to kill anybody.”

Alex: “Yeah that’s what I figured.”

Frank: “Well we’re doing it pretty close to a lot of human beings or whatever, so it is always a chance. This is Class D man.”

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: “We could try doing this in space but we are running out of time.”

Brennan: Yeah. The countdown is uh, is very close to being out.

Alex: “All right so, am I hitting this eject button or?” I guess I hit the eject button. Or- well I’m jury- you want me to jury-rig it right, that’s what we’re doing here? We’re jury-rigging these? All right, so you want me to-

Brennan: [cross-talk] Yeah you want them to explode all time at the same time.

Alex: [cross-talk] So I’m gonna roll a Jury-rig to make it so they can all time at the same time. So, I assumed- do I ha- can I use my Jury-rigged here then to rip it apart?

Brennan: Oh yeah you don’t have the proper parts for this.

Alex: Perfect. Do I have- do I have any tools? Because that would make this so much easier going in to just know that I never have the tools for the job.

Brennan: No you do have tools.

Alex: [cross-talk] Just not for this.

Brennan: [cross-talk] It’s just you know the things that you’ve been trying to do are not things that are approved uses.

Alex: ‘Kay. So that would be a 5!

Frank: Does this count- before you roll Alex.

Alex: Yeah?

Frank: Does this count as a Planning?

Brennan: Uh, I think it does!

Frank: There let’s give you guys some bonuses.

Brennan: What is Planning- what are the bonus Planning gives some- is it a plus 2 bonus?

Frank: Uh I believe so. So that’s a 4. [mumbles] I guess when the- I guess I have to read the full thing on the other one. Hold on one second.

Brennan: On planning you mean?

Frank: Yeah, ‘When you succeed with a style… uh with a style to create an Advantage using Command’, so uh, ‘create 2 different Situational Aspects for each free Invoke.’ How do you want to manifest that?

Brennan: Okay. What you- what did, so you can actually create 2 different Aspects now that, uh those are basically, uh, Taggable by, uh, Alex on his roll.

Frank: Okay. Um, we’ll make uh- we’ll have one called “Teamwork Makes the Dream Work”.

Alex: Nice.

Brennan: Nice

Red: [giggles]
Frank: Um, and “Whoever Smelt It Dealt It”

Alex: Alright. Um, I guess as the one who loaded it in, and then the other one who’s Jury-rigging this I’ll do- I’ll Invoke “Whoever Smelt It Dealt It”, uh…

Frank: I think there’s a little bit of responsibility in this one-

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah

Frank: “Cause no one wants to be- or you guys don’t want to kill innocents? So if things get risky.”

Alex: Yeah, I guess it’s on me. Uh, so I’m going to Invoke that to- to do this. Uh, do I need to reroll or can I keep the roll that had before plus whatever?

Brennan: Okay so “Teamwork Makes the Dream Work” seems like one that would definitely apply.

Alex: Uh so let’s Invoke that, teamwork will make the dream work ‘cause we’re doing that and then, uh, are we cr- basically saying that “Whoever Smelt It Dealt It” is whatever happens here is on me if I Invoke that? Because-

Brennan: Uh, I think so. Yeah.

Alex: All right.

Frank: I think where it’s on- let’s say if it comes down to piloting, you know Red can Invoke it, and take responsibility-

Alex: [cross-talk] Oh! Oh, okay, okay.

Frank: -for whatever.

Red: [laughs]
Alex: So I’ll Invoke “Teamwork Makes the Dream Work” for this roll, uh and I mean we can cut this one sentence but do we want to keep the role I had right before your Command ‘cause it’s not a bad one, uh…

Brennan: No, uh you can keep that I’m not going to make you reroll it.

Alex: Okay, ‘cause that- I mean I’ll- I’ll reroll it if that- and then Invoke- that’s gonna- okay so- I- I’ll-

Brennan: [cross-talk] You rolled a 5 right?

Alex: [cross-talk] I rolled a 5, so- and if i Invoke does that give me anything additional to that to increase it higher than a 5?

Brennan: Absolutely it would, Invoking would bring it up to a 7. Which is pretty impressive.

Alex: [cross-talk] All right so we got a 7 on this make everything time to explode the way it’s supposed to.

Brennan: So, uh, here’s- here’s the thing I’m going to say, this kind of gives away a little something to the other crewmates were watching him do this, he puts that all together really quickly with some uh, some spare uh wiring that he’s got, um almost as if he’s wired a bomb before.

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: [chuckles nervously]
Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: How else do you learn engineering?

Alex: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Brennan: [laughs] Urseminite University. “All right, you’ve got 10 seconds to rewire this bomb!”

Alex: Ah yeah I’m a graduate of UU?

Brennan: [laughs] Yeah!

Red: [laughs] All right, yeah, so no you do it, um. They’re all now synced to a timer that you’ve set on top of there and you were able to actually bump that up. Uh, you know- you don’t want to- you don’t want to make it so that it’s got too much time on there because they would explode, but you’re able to sync it so that you’ve got a little bit of extra time before, uh, they vent.

Alex: “All right they’re all set, uh and, we need someone to be able to pilot it back. Uh, San are you going to fly this baby back once it’s been vented?”

Red: “I’ve got it.”

Brennan: Okay. So you’re going to eject- you hit the eject button on the uh- [chuckles]
Alex: On the- yeah, uh-

Brennan: [cross-talk] On the escape pod.

Red: [cross-talk] [laughing] Look what we did to our escape pods!

Alex: Do- Now what do our escape pods look like? Do we get to… do we know? Is it pre-established on our map here or do we get to design them right now?

Brennan: Uh, they- theyre- they’re basically, you know, little minivans, uh you know. That’re- that’re stuck to the side of your ship.

Frank: [cross-talk] Don’t say another word7. I already have the perfect image in my head, I don’t want it ruined by facts.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Frank: They are minivans-

Alex: [cross-talk] Yeah!

Frank: -attached to our space ship.

Alex: Yeah.

Brennan: [laughs]
Frank: I know what’s on the side of the vans, painted beautifully.

Brennan: Tha’ts right! They’re also gold.

Alex: Mmhm.

Brennan: Uh, painted gold. So.

Alex: Their hood ornament is a tiny Stick. [chuckles]
Brennan: [chuckles] Right. Uh, and you shoot it off and it- it raises up, uh, you know into the atmosphere a little ways, and then goes off into one of the fields uh, uh to- before it lands. You know, they’re designed to find the nearest habitable planet and- and crash land on them but uh, you know it was already on one so.

Red: [cross-talk] Yeah.

Brennan: It doesn’t take long for it to come back down.

Red: Okay, uh San Ming will get out of the uh, the ship and jog over to it.

Brennan: Okay, so you start heading over to it. Uh, yeah the- the side hatch is popped open, and you can see that- well you can smell in the approach that the methane has vented.

Alex: [chuckles]
Red: God.

Brennan: The inside of the escape pod really smells like methane now.

Red: Yeah. Um, I will wait, a safe amount of time.

Alex: [laughs]
Red: To- so that like I don’t die of methane poisoning.

Brennan: Yeah, well that makes sense. It did take you a little while to get over there too, so.

Red: Yeah. And then I will get in, and get ready to, uh, pilot it.

Brennan: Yeah you may not want to wait too long because you do see an angry farmer in a tractor heading your way, so.

Red: Yep!

Brennan: [chuckles]
Red: So, uh, Piloting roll and what do I get as a- or, I don’t need a bonus until after I make the roll.

Brennan: That’s right, make your- make your piloting roll first.

Red: Uh, that’s a 3. And, if-

Frank: [cross-talk] Invoke another aspect.

Red: If- if I tag, um…

Brennan: “Whoever Smelt It Dealt It”?

Red: Yeah. Then that makes it a 5.

Brennan: Nice, you can actually lifted it off of the, uh, crops without doing any more damage.

Red: [giggles]
Frank: Exactly.

Brennan: You fly back towards the port. Uh, and it… you’re feeling a little light-headed as you, uh, as you read dock the uh, the escape pod with the ship. Um, and it really stinks in here, so.

Red: Oh God.

Brennan: It’s going to take awhile for it to- to sort of air out. If it ever does.

Red: Yeah. [giggles]
Frank: “Sometimes it’s good to air out the stink, don’t you guys agree?”

Alex: “Excellent job there San, uh, good work.”

Red: “Thank you. Good work.”

Brennan: Great. All right, and then you can head on your way.

Frank: I think today Stick learned the importance of barely working together.

Alex: [laughs]
Red: [laughs]
Frank: Just barely doing it, just enough to get over the hump, where like- where afterwards you look at your friends and colleagues and say, “I don’t know if I needed any of them for this.”

Brennan: [laughs] Nice.

Red: I think… this- at this point in time San Ming has learned that Growlcolm is a reliable and enthusiastic person that she can work with, and Sticky is a foul-mouthed bastard that she must avoid at all costs.

Brennan: [chuckles]
Frank: Unfair but accurate.

Red: [laughs]
Brennan: Nice.

Alex: I think Growlcolm has learned that his Captain, uh, has zero problem promising a meritocracy and you can have your room, and then immediately on the next order fill it with crap and I think that’s-

Brennan: [laughs]
Alex: I think he’s learned as much as he needs to know about his Captain so far… and he also knows that while he is loyal, loyalty is earned. So.

Red: Wow.

Alex: Yeah. He’s not happy about that room.

Brennan: [laughs]
Red: Uh Sticky you need some ice for that hurt?

Alex: [laughs]
Frank: I think I’ll be fine.

Brennan: Yeah. So we’ll uh, we’ll see- we’ll take this up next time, and see what uh, what lies awa- in wait for you at your destination.

[Theme music fades in]
Brennan: That’s our adventure for this week. We hope you enjoyed listening to Dungeon Not Included. If you did, please tell a friend, leave a 5 star review and encouraging comments on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play or wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps spread word for new shows like ours. You can follow the latest from our Dungeon Not Included crew on Twitter @dnicrew, or over at Facebook at Dungeon Not Included, or at our home at the Non-Productive Network at non-productive.com/dnicrew, where you can find articles, character sheets, and Patreon exclusives, as well as our latest episodes. All of us do this for the love of the game, but every little bit helps us keep making Dungeon Not Included. Thanks for listening.

[Theme fades out]
[Lively piano music fades in]
Narrator: This has been a Non-Productive Media presentation. Executive Producer, Frank Hablawi (hah-blou-ee). This program and many others like it on the Non-Productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution noncommercial noderivatives license. Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information, visit Non-Productive.com.

[Music fades, video game sound effects come in then fade]