Christmas Carnage: The Movie!

Kevin v John

3:00 pm. Dec. 24 – Nakatomi Tower
Kevin McCallister is on a tour of Nakatomi Tower with his family while on vacation in LA with his family. His mother is so relieved that they went on a vacation where Kevin actually arrived at the same destination for once, that she isn’t paying much attention to him. The tour guide motions to the high-tech vault installed in Nakatomi Tower, and naturally Kevin breaks off from the group for a minute to check it out. When he has satisfied his curiosity, Kevin realizes the group has left without him.

4:00 pm. Dec. 24 – Nakatomi Tower
John McClane begrudgingly steps out of the elevator on one of the upper floors. He’s here to see his estranged wife at her office Christmas party. He flew all the way from New York to try and salvage what he can of their marriage, again, and he just hopes she can be reasonable this time. As he turns down the hall, McClane sees his wife talking to some sleezeball. A small spark of rage starts to ignite deep in his belly.

6:00 pm. Dec. 24 – Nakatomi Tower
A group of armed men storm into the office. McClane hears gunshots while arguing with his wife. While saving his marriage is important, he is a police officer and stopping these terrorists is more important. McClane sneaks off into the darkness to do his job.

While trying to find his family, Kevin has wandered up to an upper floor office. Several men with assault rifles march by him. Kevin ducks under a nearby desk and closes his eyes. His curiosity gets the better of him and he opens them just in time to see the terrorists shoot one of the hostages. Kevin nearly screams out, but remembers that he has dealt with criminals twice in the past. He will protect his family.

8:00 pm. Dec. 24 – Nakatomi Tower
McClane has been moving around the building using the stairwells. It has been working like a charm, and nobody has noticed him yet. As he steps on to the first stair of the next flight, his foot seems to get stuck. He looks down and he sees inky black tar on all of the steps. And this tar seems to be some industrial grade stuff, McClane cannot get his shoe free. He unlaces his shoes, steps out of them, and continues down the stairs barefoot.

When McClane arrives at the next floor, he hears a crunch and feels a sharp pain shoot up from his foot. Somebody has smashed all the windows and spread broken glass across the entire floor. There is no way to move on without stepping all over it, so he does so.

9:00 pm. Dec 24 – Nakatomi Tower
Kevin’s knowledge of trap making has payed off well. By his count he has taken out 5 of the terrorist already. The old paint can trick was highly effective and was responsible for 2 of his kills. And the blow torch he found here burned much hotter than the one they have at home. He feels a certain glee watching one of the terrorist flail around in pain while his head glows an eerie orange and red from the flames. Killing feels so much better than just comically maiming people. Kevin slowly creeps along, certain he is free now to make it to the next floor. Unfortunately, there is still one terrorist guarding the stairwell. While Kevin trys to come up with a plan, a chair strapped with explosives falls down on the terrorist from above. There is a flash of light and a deafening boom. There isn’t much left of the terrorist when Kevin comes to, just some bits of flesh, some clothes, and a few blasting caps that didn’t go off.

11:00 pm. Dec. 24 – Nakatomi Tower Rooftop
As McClane steps up to the rooftop, he knows whoever else is fighting against the terrorist will also be up there. Whoever it is, he is a sadistic mother fucker. He didn’t just kill terrorists, he killed gruesomely. McClane didn’t even want to think about how the one who had been killed with the blowtorch looked. There were cracked skulls with brains oozing out and mixing with the brightly colored paint from the paint cans swinging slowly back and forth over the dead men.

McClane hears a woosh, and feels a flash of pain in his shoulder; an arrow is sticking out of it. Through the pain he hears someone say, “Keep the change ya filthy animal!” McClane rips the arrow out of his shoulder and walks towards where he heard his assailant. He trips over a thin, almost invisible wire. He looks up too see a small boy. The boy’s eye are devoid of soul; McClane realizes the night has changed this child forever.

“Hey kid, I”m not one of the bad guys. It’s over now, you’re safe,” McClane calls out to the boy.

A creepy smile creeps across the kid’s face as he tosses a large improvised firecracker at McClane.

All McClane can see is white. Slowly, vision comes back to one eye, but the other one is gone. McClane knows he had to subdue the boy, but how can he without killing him?

“What kind of monster is he?” Kevin thinks as the man gets up after the firecracker has taken one of his eyes. “I know he said he wasn’t one of the terrorist, but that doesn’t matter. He wants to harm my family, they all do.”

“Do you give up, or are you thirsty for more?” Kevin asks with a strange determination in his voice. He is no longer a cowering child, but a grim determined man. He’s taken many lives this night. He will not hesitate to take another.

“Kevin??” another shrill horrified voice cries out. It is Kevin’s mother, who had just then walked in on her innocent young boy; witness to the carnage he was presiding over. Standing alongside her is a well-dressed European man with what would clearly be a European accent if he had said anything.

“Mom?!” shouts Kevin, suddenly dropping his guard.

“Hans Gruber??” McClane stammers in great pain. His sight is blurred and he is a bloody mess, but he would have sworn that there was a dead man standing before him.

“Actually,” says the well-dressed man with a thick European accent, “that was my cousin. I’m Severus Gruber. But I am also a terrorist.”

Kevin’s mother looks down in shame. At her feet are giant travel suitcases stuffed with gold bonds.

“So it was all just about money,” McClane decides. “You two were in on it since the beginning!”

Just then, Dr. Severus “Lazarus” Gruber pulls out a gun and draws it on Officer McClane, gesturing McClane to drop his weapon. “And now you die,” he screams. “Avada Ke-”

But McClane was too quick for him. He snatches a pouch of toy jacks from Kevin’s belt and tosses them into the barrel of the revolver. The gun backfires, killing Gruber instantly.

As McClane stares down on a job well done, Kevin has moved to pick of the machine gun McClane dropped under Gruber’s command. He lifts it up and takes aim. A chill runs down McClane’s spine as this natural born killer has finally gained access to a proper weapon meant for murder.

But Kevin isn’t aiming at McClane just yet.

“Mom,” this once good son whispers, “I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!” Kevin then opens fire on his mother and McClane; his mother cradling her suitcase full of gold doubloons, is shredded to bits.

But McClane is too used to ducking assault rifle fire, and the boy too feeble and unsure of using real weapons. The force of the gunfire is too much for young Kevin, and he finds himself pushed backward. McClane presses the advantage and advances towards the boy. The boy keeps backing up, until he falls off a ledge that was there the whole time. McClane dove for the boy but he was too late.



Tune in this March as NonPro does another March Madness competition, that will hopefully be better than this.