Celebrity Hazmat — July 25, 2007

The Celebrity Hazmat: counting down the worst hazards to our favorite celebrities. Brought to you by NonProductive and Celebrity Slop exclusively on Click Radio.

Here is this weeks 5 biggest hazards facing celebrities:

Number 5: The Internet. This past week, Beyonce took a nose dive down a staircase while performing in Orlando. She pulled a quick Miss America recovery by shooting back up from the floor to finish her song Ring the Alarm. The performer allegedly then requested that any footage of the fall be destroyed, in other words, not posted the internet. Beyonce the only thing that is going to erase this fall is time travel and since I called shottie on using said time machine, you appear to be SOL. It appears as if all that ‘seizure like’ shaking you are known for has finally did you in. You shake the booty, you fall on your facey.

Hazard Bite Number 4: Baby Daddy II: The Fierce Father Edition . According to OK! Magazine, K-Fed, former husband to Britney Spears, is currently the first steps to sole custody of their 2 children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Kevin is reportedly angry at Britney for putting his kids in Jeopardy following a laundry list of recent public escapades. Whip out your notebooks people because here is a lesson for us all to learn. Firstly, Kudos to K-Fed for taking an interest in his children. Secondly, Britney everybody around you is against you. How could you not see this coming. Perhaps if you listened to NonPro a few weeks ago you would have heard that you were trying to get a restraining order against your mother. According to OK! Magazine, your mother and bodyguards are feeding Kevin details of your public affairs and your former assistant are all working to help Kevin get custody. Moral of the story: you should have listened to our show.

Hazard number 3: Johnny Knoxville. Everyone’s favorite Jackass pranked his pal Luke Wilson. What did Knoxville do this time? Well, he found that Wilson was going to be hanging out at the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu and hired a plane to fly over the house with a banner reading, “Luke Wilson’s phone number is 310-500-0082.” The number is now out of service because this was apparently Wilson’s actual phone number. These guys were friends. FRIENDS. Why on earth would Knoxville do this to a good friend. If one of my friends made me have to change my phone number, I would personally seek the most devilish of revenges. This just goes to show that your friends can be real dumbasses or, in this case, a big jackass.

Hazard number 2: Cocaine Fairies. Lindsey Lohan was arrested early Tuesday Morning on suspicion of drunk driving. The 21 year old refused a breathalyzer and failed numerous other sobriety tests. Lohan with also caught in possession of a small amount of what appeared to be cocaine. In an email to Access Hollywood, Lohan claimed she was innocent and didn’t do drugs. In fact the drugs were not even hers. I don’t know about a normal person who didn’t drugs is usually not in possession of any said drugs. Are we supposed to believe that the cocaine magically materialize in your possession. I’m sure a great lawyer would agree with these words of wisdom, “Drugs in your possession? Then your bitch ass best be confessin.”

And the Biggest hazard to celebrities this week: Rob Schneider. Lindsey Lohan was set to appear on the Jay Leno show earlier this week to promote her newest mistake, I Know Who Killed Me. When the star’s Tuesday morning fiasco prevented her appearance, her fill in turned out to be none of than Rob Schneider…in drag. Schneider’s alcohol monitoring bracelet turned out to be a flask and fake starlet shared her fears over the girl who acted opposite her in The Parent Trap taking her spotlight. I am speechless. Just when I thought Rob Schneider could not recover from The Animal, he comebacks with an Oscar worthy portrayal of a 21 year old female. Now we all know who Killed Lindsey Lohan’s career.

This has been NonProductive’s Celebrity Hazmat…now, DUCK AND COVER!

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