Celebrity Hazmat – August 15, 2007

The Celebrity Hazmat:  counting down the worst hazards to our favorite celebrities.  Brought to you by Celebrity Slop. 

Before we get to the countdown this week, I am pleased to bring you the first ever Celebrity Hazmat: Update!  VH1 has released the preview for next week’s episode of Mission: Man Band the show that throws together 4 former boy banderish members to see if they still have the “It” aka music talent.  In the new episode, the band hits a speed bump as it is revealed that Bryan Adams of former boy band Color Me Bad, has a drinking problem.  The preview leaves you with a cliffhanger reading, “Will their lead singer commit to sobriety…and to the band?”  Now, that’s all well and good, but where is the update?  Listen to this clip from last weeks hazmat.  All I have to say is: I CALLED IT!!!  And this has been a celebrity hazmat update. 

And now, slow news weeks have brought about a mini list of the top 3 biggest hazards facing celebrities: 

Hazard Number 3: Making Out with Old People:  The Hollywood Rag reported this week that Sir Ben Kingsley will enjoy a make out sessions with Mary Kate Olsen in Jonathon Levine’s new movie ‘The Wackness’.  The problem:  Mary Kate is 21, Kingsley is 63.  I know some of you new age people out there find no problem with this type of behavior and I’m sure a bunch of you snooty socialites think it s merely acting; but this is seriously yucky.  There is no amount of money in the world that could possibly coerce me into making out with an old guy and please don’t say it’s acting…everyone knows the Olsen’s can’t act.  This is a desperate move on the part of a 21 ex-rehab chick to get work.  If we allow this behavior to take place than there is no telling where those big wigs in Hollywood will go next.  Lindsey Lohan desperate for work will engage in an intimate hot tub scene with Hugh Hefner.  Britney Spears will do a sex scene with that guy from the Diabetes Testing Supply commercial.  Making out with someone who is old enough to be your grandfather is not acting, it’s desperation. 

Hazard number 2:  The Price is Right.  In anger over losing host Bob Baker, The Price is Right fought back this week but injuring new emcee Drew Carey.  While practicing “The Grocery Game”, Carey got his arm stuck in the revolving turntable causing him to receive lacerations to his left arm.  Not able to keep a good host down, Carey returned to the set later sporting a soft cast on his arm.  This was not an accident.  There is a reason that game shows never have successful second hosts.  Remember, “Family Feud”.  The same show with a second host can never do the show justice.  This is obviously because game shows are possessed.  Drew Carey the only option is for you exercise the demon by calling the show by a new name.  Remember when Press Your Luck became Whammy!  I have saved you the trouble by coming up with some suggested titles.  How about, The All New the Price is Right or The Price is Right 2000.  Thank me later.   

And the biggest hazard facing celebrities this week:  Kid Nation.  CBS’s newest reality show in the fall line up is Kid Nation.  The series follows 40 kids between the ages of 8 and 15 as they try to survive in an abandoned town and tape them as they try to build a society, including a functional government, with minimal adult supervision.  The controversy:  the kids missed school for a month to do taping, and a couple received minor cooking burns.  Not to mention 40 kids were running around desert in New Mexico!  Are we to believe that 40 kids should be left alone to fend for themselves?  Adults don’t even fend for themselves.  When we are hungry, we get in a car and purchase food that his been sterilized and packaged so we don’t have to deal with it.  When we are bored, we turn on the TV and watch shows about 40 stupid children doing things that people did during the Revolutionary War.  Kids are not meant to build a society.  Just wait until that neighboring reality show tries to annex the kiddie corale.  Kids at war!  I see water gun fights, tanks made out of cardboard boxes, and extreme water bombing.  Soldiers of the future…now that’s entertainment! 

This has been NonProductive’s Celebrity Hazmat…You Know You <3 Them