Ohmigod!
It has nearly been a year since I’ve gotten around to posting to the NonProductive Blog. To be honest, I had far better things to do such as sleep, play flash games, and clip coupons, however, like a cancer on the ass end of America, I have returned anxious to share depressing news.
Despite having a luscious rack, fine booty, and all-around humble outlook on life, I, Samantha Little, may be unemployed come January. To be honest, it is the fault of others and my misfortune that I am related to them. Thankfully, some smart investments and my “great intuition” that told me to pull my money out of Bear Sterns mere hours before the company collapsed, has enabled me to sustain life for a least a week before I need to seek a new job. I have therefore decided to present to the NonProductive audience a list of seven things I will do during said week of unemployment.
Monday: Be a Bitch. The day hated by almost all will become my day to add to their piss-poor lives. I will go to every store and restaurant to bitch about anything possible in order to receive discounts. At the end of the day if I have saved at least $100 through bitching, I will donate a puppy for animal testing.
Tuesday: Cut ties with old friends. Productive members of society are no longer needed to help provide entertainment to me. Hanging out with that homeless guy outside of Dollar Tree and panhandling is all the entertainment I need.
Wednesday: Write All About It! Newspapers, bloggers, and tv stations love to hear about misfortune. I want to be a part of the action and milk it for all its worth!
Thursday: Facebook. Garner sympathy by informing the world of my unemployment through a Facebook status post. I will follow up with wall posts.
Friday: Buy entire roll of scratch off lottery tickets. It pays to dream and why not dream away by squandering the last of my savings on an entire roll of scratch offs. I’ll be sure to recycle my dreams in the appropriate receptacle since it awesomely cool to care about the planet and those who are wasteful are the only people more hated than the unemployed.
Saturday: Write a Book. I will spend Saturday writing a best selling autobiography of my experience as an unemployed leech on the skin of society. I will use graphic imagery to further ‘pound’ the message of my hardships into the supple cockle region mind of the reader.
Sunday: Steal. Like that Taco Bell commercial, I will go around to businesses and abuse the take a penny/leave a penny tray. With the money, I will head west searching for a better life or purchase heroin, whichever will bring happiness first.
Wow! Dollar Tree….bitching…Facebook…cocaine! Being unemployed looks pretty awesome! Let me starting writing a blog about it now!
<3
Sam “Got a Dollar” Little