Good Evening and welcome to the Fourth of July edition of NonPro news. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
At the Liberty Street Carryout, the National Anthem has become a daily phenomenon for the diners many patrons.
Waitress Judy Hawkins began singing the anthem several months ago. She sang along to a local radio station’s noon broadcast of the “Star-Spangled Banner” – which is the national anthem for you ignorant and/or foreign people.
The tradition stuck and now it’s a growing ritual. Hawkins said “We just think it’s good to honor the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’. The public enjoys it. They stop eating and join in.”
Really?!? Sing-a-long dining?!? If my waitress started singing, I would get up and leave…without paying the bill… and without tipping…and possibly without keeping myself from vomiting.
In less nauseating news, apparently the Canadians suck more than we originally thought. According to a poll released on Friday, most Canadians know so little about their country that they would flunk the basic citizenship test.
Only four percent of the citizens knew the requirements needed to be eligible to vote. Only a third, could identify the number of provinces and territories. By the way people, America has fifty states. Consider yourself informed.
A similar survey was taken in 1997, and forty-five percent of the citizens failed the test. This year, Canada proved that it will not be out done, even by itself, clocking an impressive sixty percent failure rate.
Additionally, they refuse to be outdone by the ignorant Americans as well. Though America has an impressive team of citizens who are completely clueless, Canada seems to be on it’s way to taking the crown. Well..
SOT: “F**K you Canada”
And finally, the hottest story of the day.
On the day to celebrate our independence and prove our worth of being a free nation, we earned a trophy. Well, actually, twenty-three-year-old Joey Chestnut from California did. Chestnut beat six-time Nathan’s hot dog eating champion Tackeru Kobayashi by a slim margin. Take that Japan.
Chestnut consumed a record setting sixty-six hot dogs in twelve minutes. That’s one every 10.9 seconds – for you mathematically challenged Americans.
However, Kobayashi didn’t leave completely shamed. He beat his own record by nine and a half dogs. And, in all fairness, Kobayashi was not completely fit for the competition. He recently had a wisdom tooth pulled and was receiving physical therapy. He will be in better shape for next year’s competition, which he promises to compete in.
We now have Nathan’s hot dog eating champ on the phone for an interview. Hello Mr. Chestnut.
Mr.Chestnut?
BEAT
Hello Sir. Are you there?
BEAT
Ok, we’ve just received word that Joey Chestnut has slipped in to a sodium induced food coma. He will not be able to take questions for a few days. Congratulations Joey.
And I would also like to congratulate America for producing the most gluttonous competitor in the world. But you already knew that America.
And that’s going to wrap it up for this week’s NonPro News. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.